Until Morning Comes...

Six Years

2012-01-12T10:50:00.001-05:00

I will look back on this and smile because it was life and I decided to live it.

-unknown

I came across this quote this morning and smiled. Today I celebrate six years in this crazy city.

No matter what happens in the future, I know that I will look on these last six years and smile, and probably go further than that and cry with joy, because I have lived here more than I have any other place.

A few things have stayed the same, most notably my driver’s license still claims Texas as does my car, but so many things have changed.

I’ve lived in five homes in six years, which sounds like a ton; but I lived in three different places within my first 9 months in the city, finally settling on Capitol Hill where I stayed in one house for almost four years. A year stint in my second home on the hill was ended due to the Lord’s call to homeownership. In just two months, I will have owned my house for a year. I’m not the nomad that I once was. Roots are a good thing and I am so thankful to have them.

While I remain on Capitol Hill, I’ve been incredibly blessed to move through the ranks – from an intern to a legislative director. And though it was with sadness that I left the Texas delegation, I have been warmly welcomed by the Midwest folks. I have learned a lot in these six years up here. Seen power given and taken away. I’ve written language that has gotten passed by the House of Representatives and hope to get something signed into law this year. I’m no longer naïve to a lot of the corruption, brokenness, cruelty, and just ugliness that as sinners we are prone to. I’m not sure if the political realm amplifies that, but I can no longer hide my head in the sand and think we are mostly good people. We are people in desperate need of a Savior! But in the very same breath, I have seen such beauty in these broken souls, the glimpses of who each of us were meant to be, and that is a cause for hope.

I’ve seen much more of the world since coming to DC. In just a few short weeks, I will have been to five of the seven continents. Hopefully I can mark off Australia and Antarctica sooner rather than later as well. And I have gotten to travel our country, with dear friends from Boston to Bloomington, and yet am still known by many of my friends’ parents. And of course there are always those who loved me enough from Texas to send me here to learn to fly. My limited world view has been stretched.

But the constant of these six years has been my community. When Kara invited me to Rez, I had no idea what phenomenal blessings the Lord had in store. They haven’t always been easy; in fact, some of the hardest moments of my entire life have happened in the context of this community. I have never wept or laughed like I have here. I’ve hit rock bottom. Wallowed in the mire, but I have lived in the moments that whisper of what Eden was and what the new city one day will be. I am so thankful for a community that has walked through it all with me. People who have stood in the gap for me. Believed when I couldn’t and wouldn’t. Who have cheered me on as a I took on crazy endeavors like marathons and triathlons and shown up at countless meals to sit around my table just because. I have been welcomed into homes when I’m lonely, been called out on my crap because they love me too much to let me stay in it.

Today, I joyfully enter into my seventh year of living in Washington, DC utterly incapable of knowing what will happen but perfectly content to walk with a God who does know and care and that I can trust.

Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine according to the power at work within us. (Ephesians 3:20)

Suprise!

2012-01-10T08:54:00.000-05:00

I am sad to admit that I don't think that God can suprise me anymore. I am not sure why I think that, but there is this large part of me that just doesn't expect God to do suprising things. He does good things. And He does miracles. I will be one of the first to admit that. And I trust Him.

But for some reason when The Park Forum email came this morning, with the title "God Can Suprise Us," I was suprised [ha! just reread that line] by the way my heart pushed against that statement. The first thought in my head was "Oh yeah? How? Prove it suckers."

And not only is that wrong, I think that is unfair to a God who does suprise us. My favorite verse in scripture talks about "infinitely more than we can ask or imagine" (Eph. 3:20), and here I am being a stupid kid and even as I write this fighting with these thoughts.

The thing is I want God to suprise me. I do. The little girl in me wants her Father to show up in particular areas in her life. I want him to shock and awe and get rid of the cynical woman who is using the fact that God is faithful and steadfast, two very true characteristics about Him, to reason with the child, saying, "Sorry, honey, He can't."

But He CAN.

Oh Lord. Help my unbelief.

twenty nine

2011-12-21T08:40:00.000-05:00

I made it.

Twenty-nine years.

How in the world did it happen?

Grace upon grace.

I can only hope that I press into the God who freely gave this grace.

And look less like myself at the thirty and more like him.

almost there

2011-12-19T21:32:00.000-05:00

I turn twenty-nine the day after tomorrow.

This has been a pretty amazing year. I am not sure how to top it. Machu Picchu, a new job, buying a house, the Great Wall. Those were all pretty big events. And actually, those all happened within the first four months.

So part of me is looking at this milestone of mine asking what I tend to ask every year, "What could he possibly be up to?" And then I recite to myself my favorite piece of scripture, "Now to Him who is able to do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine according to the power at work within us."

And He does. For some crazy reason the Holy Spirit is at work within me and by His grace and mercy, stuff happens. Good stuff. Stuff beyond who I am and what I am capable of. Stuff that can only be attributed to a God is just and creative and loves me. The God who has vision unlike any one on earth. The God whom I can trust with all my crap, and all my desires and all my dreams.

I always tend to look at the psalm that corresponds with my age; often in hopes of gaining some insight into the year ahead. And there have been themes. Twenty-seven was a year of waiting in the Lord, trusting that He was, in fact, good. And twenty-eight, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song, I give thanks to Him." (28:7) I have found serious comfort in these verses and it is certainly more and more a state of my heart. Twenty-six and twenty-seven were tough years. Oh my, were they heavy, hard years that I felt like I was being crushed. But eventually life came back; and with its return was faith. He was and is my refuge.

The first four statements of Psalm 29 is about praise. "Ascribe, ascribe, ascribe, worship." Then the next eight verses are all statements of strength and majesty of the Lord. And verse eleven asks that the Lord give his strength to His people.

I am hopeful to learn from this Psalm, I am hopeful to worship the Lord and praise Him again and again with statements of truth of who God is both in my life and the life of everyone I know.

So, I am not so sure about the twenty-ninth birthday.

Not Afraid to Die

2011-11-07T08:55:00.002-05:00

I am by no means anticipated death soon, though I am not naive enough to think that it couldn't happen any moment now. But one of the things I love about fall is that it reminds me that it is okay to die.

All of us will die. That is an absolute fact. The fact that I believe so many overlook though is that we all have a life after death. We all have a choice about eternity; it is just a matter of sharing in the Father's joy or experiencing his wrath.

But as I drove all over Virginia's countryside yesterday, I marveled at the beauty of the trees dying. The colors were glorious! Red, orange, yellow, green and all with a crisp blue sky. It was lovely.

And I wish I could say fall is my favorite season, and I do love it. But the truth is I also love spring. Because life comes back.

So these trees remind me it is okay to die. It is okay to lay down my life, my will, my desires, my dreams, my plans. All these things can die.

And they will be made glorious in death. The beauty of my Father will be made known in my death to self.

And beauty will come forth once again in new life, new desires, new dreams and new plans. And they won't be mine, though I will rejoice in them as if they were. They'll be my Father's.

I'm not afraid to die. New life is already on the other side for me.

For what do I wait?

2011-11-02T16:36:00.001-04:00

I can do nothing but wait.

I don’t like waiting.

Which is better than hating waiting. Which I used to.

It does help that I am infinitely busier these days so that I often do not get a chance to think much about those things for which I wait.

I suppose I should say that the Lord was generous during 2009 and 2010 to teach me quite a bit about waiting and trusting. It was my theme. I hated it and loved it at the same time. But I did come to the other side of those years with a deep heart knowledge that I belong to a God who is both worth waiting for and trusting in.

I think in life we always wait. No matter what our stage of life is, we will wait. And the little waits that we all participate in are a part of a bigger wait. The ultimate wait of Christ’s second coming and the glory of an eternity no longer separated from our Heavenly Father in his perfect kingdom.

But I’m waiting again in a few little ways. Trusting that while I believe that I’m waiting for specific things, God has a better idea of what I need and a perfect idea of when it should come.

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.
Psalm 39:7

The Fall

2011-10-18T15:10:00.004-04:00

One of my favorite things about DC is seasons. I love the way you can time life by what the trees are doing.

The photo to the left was not taken by me, but I put it up primarily for my most wonderful friend, Angela, I know she misses the fall.

I don't what it is about this picture, and about this season, but I think fall is my favorite. Though I love spring and summer too. And winter, but only because of my birthday and other holidays. But the transitional seasons are definitely high up there.

Fall always reminds me that dying is not as scary as I think it is. In the case of so many trees, the death they sucumb to every year is actually quite beautiful. And it always gives way to new life. There is a lot of hope in that.

So as I am learning more and more about deaths; my own will and dreams to take on ones from someone with a higher calling, I'm encouraged by these trees that are around me. And I hope to send roots deeper still for a strong foundation.

But I won't go off too much more into these thoughts, I will just enjoy the fall, for it is a most precious gift.

ramblings

2011-10-12T17:10:00.002-04:00

The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures.
-John Newton

We often don't sing this verse of Amazing Grace. I find that to be a real shame because I love this reminder.

I'm in this season of life that is wholly good. It feels kind of stupid to say this at twenty-eight years old, but I finally feel as if I am coming of age. I have a very firm sense of who I am, what I am doing, and where I am called. I am confident of a God who I don't have to understand to trust. And I am confident in the paths He has laid ahead. I don't always make the right choice, but I am learning more and more to do that; even if my stubbornness it sometimes takes a while longer than it should.

I see purpose and calling in my life both through the job that I do for probably sixty hours a week and the people that are in my life. I have a rich and deep community that is a refuge and forge; this is the kind of teaching that you wish you got in college.

And in all of it, there is a place for joy and love and laughter, tears and sorrows, questions and doubts. I have been able to express and explore who I am; and share who the Lord is and why I am confident that I have everything that I need right now. And that will be the case in the future.

Perfect Weekends

2011-09-05T16:17:00.002-04:00

I again spent a weekend that would probably not appeal to my demographic, but it was oh so sweet. I headed to Boston very early Friday morning to visit a family that has had such an impact on my life.

I spent my weekend playing catch, tic tac toe, trains, puzzles, games, feeding a sweet baby, sitting next to two of the sweetest girls on the planet and chasing one tireless three year old boy everywhere. I stayed up late hearing about the challenges of parenthood and a city fairly hostile to the Gospel. Talking about missional communities and sharing and talking about what life looks for all of us in different places but with the same mission. I didn't really see the sights of Boston, though I got to escape one evening with the mom for dinner, a walk, and an ice cream, and that doesn't bother me one single iota. It was perfect.

I am so thankful for the people that God has brought into my life, even if we only lived in the same place for a fairly short season. I have been loved so well by these sweet beautiful children and by their parents and I love getting to see them and talk with them and just be with them. It is a great joy to know they are in my corner and on their knees for me.

And to wrap up the weekend with a great concert with a newer friend. Another great joy in my life...during a time of what seemed like endless goodbyes, a good Father brought alongside many new friends who also love so well. Oh He is so good.

the Best Friday Nights

2011-08-05T21:54:00.002-04:00

I know this is a double post day, but I the joy and gladness that fill my heart are incredible. To most people in my demographics - single, twenty-something, urban dweller with a fairly high disposable income - my Friday night probably looks like the lamest thing ever. But I am seriously welling up with tears thinking about just how good it is.

I hung out with five married couples and collectively their seven children under five, although one wife and two children were out of town and missed the evening. We sat around a charcoal grill ate dinner and roasted marshmallows in the backyard in the middle of a transitioning neighborhood a few blocks from my house. And it was a perfect night.

I wasn't hanging out with single people from my church, my office...I am sure that there were things going on that I "missed out" on. But there is nothing in this world that would make me want to trade this evening. There was not one moment that I felt like the odd single person out. Or even wondered, "Hey God, I would love to have a family of mine own here too." I was just hit by wave after wave of deep, deep goodness.

I know that I have learned so much about contentment these last few months. Not by actively choosing to, but through the practice of thankfulness, and thus evaluating my life but what I have and not by what I don't, I have found this overflowing well of gladness. And this hasn't meant that I have given up hoping for marriage and a family; but rather enjoying the life I have been so generously given that I don't have to think of what could be.

And my life is incredible. I know that is bragging, but there is simply no other statement that does it justice. I get to wake up every morning a city that I love. I have friends and family, both here and far away, who love me with a love that is undeserved. People who I walk through life with and have the joy of knowing in ways that I didn't know existed this side of heaven. Oh how my heart overflows with the love I have for these people. I am seriously bawling right now thinking of them and the love we share.

Not only that, but I have a home that I love...that's a mess in process, but it is my HOME. And my ministry. My place of peace and of rest, and I hope it is that for many others for my lifetime. I live on a block with lots of neighbors, whom I get to share the hope that I have by loving them and using the gifts that the Lord has given.

And even more than my home is my church. When the Lord challenged me in 2007 to stay for a church, I never could have imagined the goodness I would see in all the years since then. They haven't always been easy...there were more days than I ever care to count that I just didn't know how I was going to even make it through the day, but I had a faithful community that never left my side, reminding me that my Lord was trustworthy, and faithful and FOR ME. They believed when I could not.

I have a job that I love. It is challenging and engaging. I believe in and enjoy what I do. I'm constantly learning and growing and working with all sorts of issues, so it is rarely boring. My coworkers are funny and honest and pains-in-the-ass some days, but I love going to work with them. My boss, well both my bosses, are great leaders and managers and teachers, and I am so thankful to learn from them. I have gotten to travel the world, sometimes for free, thanks to my job. And I have earned enough from my job to travel all the places they have not taken me. Crazily enough, I was created to work on Capitol Hill. Yes, it is an unexpected turn of events, but I asked for infinitely beyond my imagination. And I get to meet interesting people from all over the country and world, have lunches and dinners and happy hours. I play softball in front of the White House in the shadow of the Washington Monument. I love my job.

I have children...sure none of them are my own, but to quite a few I am Miss Sarah, and I am loved. And I get to hear stories and give hugs and play and buy pretty dresses for. These sweet precious children ask others to "pray for their buddy Miss Sarah" and want to sit with me in church. Oh they have captured my heart in ways that I never knew was possible. Oh how I love them!

I could keep going, there is not room enough in this world to count how the generous the Lord has been too me. It just can't be done.

King David said, "I would have despaired unless I believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes wait for the Lord." (Ps 27:13-14) For so much of my adult life I have comforted myself with that verse, saying that the Lord would give me marriage because that was the good things. I have only just begun to see and experience; acknowledge and press into the beauty of that goodness that I see right now. It is not something that is far off. It is not something that is near. It is HERE. I have seen the goodness of the Lord. I have tasted it and feasted upon every day. It is a lavish goodness.

And I suppose one day the Lord may see it fit to give marriage. And it will be good. But it will not make this goodness any less good. It is good because God has declared it good. So I will step off my soapbox now and just rest in this sweet place. God is good. I am loved. All is well.

Blessed

2011-08-05T16:15:00.002-04:00

The Lord is so good to me. There are really no words for how incredibly blessed I am. I am so fortunate to have found friends that are like family up here. Like today, as I sit at work, I get a phone call from a special family asking me to come hang out with them tonight and grill. I love this family.

I love hanging out with their sweet kids. I love hanging out and talking about all sort of random stuff with the parents. I love that they have welcomed me into their home and their lives.

And the most amazing thing is, they are not the only family that I have this sort of relationship with. There are a several families here that have been so generous in letting me join them in this walk through life. Oh Lord, how good you are to place the lonely (or not lonely) in families (Psalm 68:6) God is good.

freedom

2011-07-27T22:56:00.002-04:00

It was for FREEDOM that Christ set us free. Galatians 5:1

I'm not feeling all that free these days.

It might be the stress of life. I'm almost eight months in to my new job (where did time go?), and am learning a lot about management. I don't dislike it, but I am certainly not comfortable in the role. It's hard. And it doesn't help that we are in the thick of things on Capitol Hill. This debt ceiling stuff in nuts. I understand to a certain extent what this could mean for the United States, but the truth of it is, no one really knows. The guys at Treasury don't know; the Fed doesn't know, the President, Senators and Congressman definitely don't know. Sure we all have a lot of different doomsday scenarios, but the fact of the matter, as my doctor turned boss has said is this is not life or death. But, it is making me work crazy hours, and weekends and am under pressure most of the day, so that doesn't help the state that I am. Yet, I am thankful I have a job that more than pays the bills. And not just that I love it. Not just because it is the job that God placed me in, but because I feel genuinely challenged and stretched, I get to participate in substantive discussions, I'm getting to travel around the world. It's awesome.

I'm been living in my house for two months now. I've owned it for four months. Still working on a few projects, but thanks to a dear friend's brother, that should be taken care of soon. And then I can at least pause from the big projects for awhile and focus on paying off what I have spent and some other fun things like recovering pieces and curtains and pillows. I love this home and I am so thankful for it, for the girls that live here with me, for my neighbors. God is good.

But yet when my roommate reminded me that I am set free, it really sunk deep. I have not forgiven someone who hurt me as deep as anyone ever has. I wouldn't change the events; I'd change some of my actions in a related but different situation. And fact of the matter is I want an apology. I don't feel freedom in this whatsoever. I cringe when we are on invites together. Hold my breath until I know that I am free and clear. I HATE that this is my reaction. And what angers me even more is I thought I was free from it. So I don't know if because of stress, this vulnerable place has come back up or if there is some genuine need for a conversation that I really don't want to have and I know that this person doesn't want to have either.

Oh Lord, for your freedom. However it has to happen. Lead on. I'll follow. Reluctantly, but I will follow.

Dreaming

2011-07-23T22:49:00.002-04:00

I got to have a three day weekend and spend a wonderful day with my dear friends, Caley and Andy, at their home in Richmond while our dear friend, Rose, was in town from Brussels for a few days. I mainly spent time with Caley and Rose since Andy was at work, and I loved every minute of it. It's funny to me, that in the 28 and half years of my life I have only know Caley coming up on 5 years and Rose coming up on 4. But the depth of our friendships are so rich for such a short period of time, and that in those years, we have not always lived in WDC. But God is so good to have allowed me to dream with these two women on so many Sunday mornings at Murky Coffee, Peregrine and now wherever the Lord allows us to spend time together.

But while I am ever grateful for those two incredible friends, it is Mrs. Angela Wallace, who today has given such an encouragement, even though the five little lines that mean so much to me were written almost six years ago.

In Angela's wedding program, she picked a verse for each us, an exhortation And then just a little sentence. The verse she chose for me was Philemon 1:7, "Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the heart of saints." And she went on to say that my "joyful and adventurous spirit always made [her] yearn deeper for the Lord, [she] loved to dream with me."

I keep a box filled with letters and notes, and anything else that I have received encouragement from, so that when a bad day hits, I can read these notes and remember that not only am I loved by good Father, I am loved by an incredible community, both near and far, related and not related.

Today was, by no means, a bad day. But as I walked around Home Depot for the first time in weeks, I was dreaming, as I have done so often since buying a house. And I was thinking about my house, my neighborhood, my incredible neighbors, my job, and coworkers, the new friends that I have made this last year, and the beauty of the Lord that has been revealed to me in the art of his movement over the past two and half years; the verse that Angela chose popped to my mind.

I long to be a person and my home a place of deep refreshment, for saints and sinners alike.

Thank you Ang, for seeing something in me, that I couldn't name and didn't know, and needed the grace of the following years to learn and grow in that. I have so far to still go in that. I get in the way of it in so many instances. I refuse to draw from the well and instead rely on myself to give that refreshment; and joy and encouragement that comes from solely me ain't going to get anybody anywhere. But, as much as it was an exhortation then, it is one now.

I'm looking forward to a day, that I hope is soon, to sit on a porch and dream with this dear sister of mine. Our lives look so different than the days in college where we got to talk and dream, but every time I speak to Angela, she refreshes my heart, because she points me to the only one who sustains. I love you dear friend.

ramblings

2011-07-04T15:49:00.002-04:00

Today, I choose to believe that God is good. But my confession is, I doubt at times, when all the sudden circumstances seem hopeless. Or if something I was counting on, suddenly proves to be flimsy.

A few months ago, it appeared as if I had several options. I never knew whether any of those options would pan out, but the fact that they were there was very reassuring. Two of those options are gone and one isn't as attractive to me anymore, so I am so tempted to believe that God isn't good; that He will not be able to do something with my limited means.

And still, with every breath that I breathe, every step that I take, I know with a fullness unlike any other that God is good, that He is at work in my life, and that He is preparing such things, that I would not believe, even if I were told. I know that - the evidence comes from the floors that I am sitting on, in the house that He has given me, with friends all around me. I am seeing miracles. And I know and believe that He will work in all areas of my life, to His glory and honor, and my good.

Yet in the day to day that is hard. It is a lonely fight that requires an arsenal and strength that I don't always have. The enemy's attacks are ruthless as well. And today, unbelief abounds.

So Lord, this is my stone, set before you, that I may be mindful of all the others days that I do believe on the days that I don't. You are my Father. My everlasting. And you are good. And if I have to sing that a thousand times to come through these shadows, I will sing.

boundless...

2011-06-13T17:18:00.002-04:00

I seem to keep coming back to a phrase...a reminder, to not bind a boundless God. I thought about it a lot in December and January while in Peru; at a time when I was lamenting two particular instances where I felt regret and like I had somehow missed something when these two things failed to happen. And in the quiet and the grandness of that beautiful country, this line of thought continued to come through.

I have a limited vision. My field of vision is so narrow and small compared to the Lord's; and I kept hearing that while those were two very good things, they were not the things for me. That I can trust God to do better things than them.

I am feeling this same temptation now. To allow myself to be limited from what I can see, who I know, where I am. And I serve a God who knows no bounds. I am not constrained because he is a God who does infinitely more than I can ask or imagine. So I am not completely sure how to press into this way of heart. But I hear the call to.

thankfulness

2011-06-07T23:16:00.002-04:00

I am so thankful for my job. I almost didn't take it. But looking back, the decision was right. And I am so thankful to the friends that encourage me to do so, and prayed diligently for me throughout the short decision period.

The opportunities that have been afforded to me because of this job have been excellent. And to work for my boss and with the group of people that I do is really such a privilege. I am so undeserving.

I also continue to be surprised at how well being a legislative director suits me. Yes. I am learning a lot about management. But that's a good thing; and I really enjoy everything else about my job.

Anyway, I may still only be in the honeymoon period of this job...it has been less than six months. But regardless, it is just another example of the Lord's goodness and faithfulness to me.

Ten years

2011-05-25T09:45:00.002-04:00

Ten years ago this month I graduated from high school. That time in my life seems much longer ago then ten years. I think of how much I have done, how I have changed. It blows my mind. I enjoyed high school, but I would never go back.

I received a card from a couple at my parents' church ten years ago today, that has been an incredible encouragement and at times challenge to me. And at the time it suprised me, many of the ways they described me, but I am thankful for the way they spoke some qualities into my life.

They told me that "God has placed some wonderful treasures in your soul Sarah, and it will be delightful for you and everyone else to to watch them unfold." And that has been a joy.

Encountering the Holy Spirit in a totally new and abundant way at Pine Cove that summer after my freshman year of college and the next three summers there of challenge and community that helped shaped my faith.

Grace Bible Church at TAMU and how I learned to seriously study scripture and godly discipline, as well as such incredible teaching on 1 John that still incites such a deep love for that book.

Incredible friendships at A&M and camp. I don't have enough fingers and toes to count all the women and men who I was blessed to know in deep, real ways.

Washington, DC was a whole new adventure. I never thought that this would be the place that I was called to and I can no longer imagine any other place. I was created for this city. And it has been a whole bunch of crazy treasures. Capitol Hill has been an education in politics and people and has open all sorts of incredible doors. I have heard Presidents and Prime Ministers speak, sat on the Floor of the House. Fought for what I believe in. Sat in meetings in rooms that most people don't even know exist, much less know that the conversation going on there is the conversations that shape the future of this country, and been a part of those conversations. It's crazy.

Not only that, I have been welcomed into the most incredible community I have ever know. Over five years since first walking in the door of Church of the Resurrection, I love them even more and am convinced that while we are far from perfect, this is my little glimpse of the community to come in heaven. And I rejoice.

The places that I have traveled have been incredible as well...Peru, Rwanda, China...really just the beginning of the adventures, but to have seen and visited some of the 7 Wonders of the Ancient World, to have seen and felt the forgiveness that is ongoing in Rwanda, both give me chills.

But again, it comes back to the community. I am known here and loved. As I have embarked upon this crazy homeownership, the Lord has been gracious to show me, just how much that is. I have people eager to help me with my house, who ask and pray and support me in it. I have no words to express the gratitude that I have for this community.

And I continue to fall in love with this city. I am so excited.

High school seems like such a long time ago. I am not who I was. And praise the Lord for that.

a love letter to the city

2011-05-16T12:40:00.002-04:00

I never thought I would fall in love with a city; my sister was always the big city dreamer. I was convinced I would forever be a country sort of girl.

It wasn't love at first sight, I met you in 8th grade. You were fun back then, filled with history and mystery and laughter, but I never suspected what would come. But when I step off that plane after graduation, I knew. I knew I had just met the last city I would ever love.

And to be honest, I tried to leave you several times. The seduction of the mountains in Colorado and the temptress that is the wanderer and the adventure both beckoned hard. And I tried, really tried to walk through both those doors, but it wasn't to be. You are my true love. And I haven't said that to many places. Sure there have been special places, the house on Belmont Circle, the barn, Texas A&M, camp...but none of those places held my heart in such a way.

I love driving through you, and believing and knowing what you will be. I see redemption all over the place. And I know that is the basis for this love. There is something about the fact that you aren't perfect, that you are a work in progress, that you are in need of someone bigger than yourself to come in and save the day, but you don't quite seem to know it and you're not that great at admitting it. You welcome strangers every day of the year from around the globe, you treat old friends with love, although the snark is never far. You are so much like me, that it scares me at times. I know my life is inextricably bound up with yours.

And that is why I am so hopeful for you. I have seen absolute incontrovertible proof that we serve and are loved by a good God. The good God. And for all our problems, fears, difficulties, sins, the good God sent His perfect Son to redeem us both. And He is.

So as I watch you change, I trust that the change is happening in my little wayward heart as well. And that makes me love you more. That makes me love Him more. And I love that He introduced us. That he gave me this love. It wasn't created by me. But it is here and it is real and it is abundant.

We started in a garden. We end in a city.

Generosity and gratefulness

2011-05-07T23:17:00.002-04:00

Late last summer, I told wise woman, actually several wise women, that I wanted to be more thankful. Not in a flippant sort way, but really being intentional to name these things aloud. Thanksgiving changes your perspective. Period. There is nothing like naming just a few of your blessings aloud to remind you that God has been unnecessarily good to me. So I put up a poster board on my wall and started writing down things I was thankful for and prayed that the Lord would help me. I was incredibly blessed and encouraged by a friend telling me in April that an attitude of thankfulness was something she really noticed in me. I continue to pray that this goes beyond an attitude into a lifestyle.

Today I am so thankful for the generosity of my friends and community. I'm astounded that so many of them once again came out and help me work on my house. They ripped up carpets, cleaned out some of the plaster and lathe so dry wall can be put up. They painted walls, built closets, taped, primes, pulled up tacks, endured lots and lots of dust, put in new electrical outlets, and lots and lots of other things. They were there for hours on a beautiful Saturday, working hard, and there were many more who were not there, but who have encouraged me and offered advice and lent tools, and prayed and prayed and prayed. They have given me gifts, and listened to my fears; let me vent and laughed with me. Tools have been lent, lessons taught. Generosity is actually much too weak of a word to describe how wonderfully free with their time, skills, etc. these incredible people are.

It's made this journey a lot less lonely and scary. They are the tangible body of Christ who is standing with me in this craziness. And I could not be more grateful. I never could have imagined that this is where life would take me, and that's the joy in all of this, but man am I thankful as well for a Father who has 20-20 vision and guided me safely here. He is so good.

Processing

2011-04-26T15:30:00.003-04:00

I bought a house. A month ago actually. But I have been a crazy busy person for the last month and a half, and in reality, that craziness set in about nine months after moving to this city and has never stopped. I keep thinking it will slow down, but it hasn't; it only gets busier.

It's hard to believe, but I am moving into my house on Saturday. Just my bedroom stuff, as my living room is currently being stripped down to its bones so I can put up dry wall. It's been a crazy heart thing, thinking that I will be moving for what I hope will be the last time in my life. I don't think there are many people who, at 28, move into their first and last home. I don't think that our culture and world encourage that. But that is my prayer, to have the freedom to allow my roots to run deep. And I am not so naive to think that I might not ever move, but I am pressing into this call as if it is.
--
It has been a joy to look back on these past few months. To see how these crazy little seeds have blossomed into something entirely beyond myself. Last year when I arrived home from Rwanda, I had a phone call from a head-hunter that had a company that was interested in me. This company was willing to triple my salary and all of the sudden, buying a home was a possibility. Though I still pushed it off, saying a few years from now, this job would allow me to do that. But when my friend Miriam and I visited Caley on Veteran's Day and got to see her house, currently undergoing renovations, I could not deny a deep, deep need, and more than that a call, to buy a home.

And that is when I wrote these words: http://untilmorningcomes.blogspot.com/2010/11/here.html

And began my search in earnest. My house was actually one of the first ones that I saw on the list, but it was out of my price range so I just passed on it. I looked at a few places and was hit with the very real reality of what I was going to get with the price range I was limited to. Then on my birthday last year, Michelle and I went and saw my house. It was wonderful and I liked it, but there was another one that was cheaper and that I also liked just a few blocks away. And that was a time of huge changes. I had just accepted a new job, I was about to go home for Christmas, and then on a two week trip to Peru. So I decided to sleep on everything and when I got back in January to make a decision.

After two whirlwind weeks in Peru and coming back and immediately beginning a new job, I went and saw my two favorite houses. Matt and Dawn came with me; and I knew this house was mine. The more I prayed about it, the more confident I was. And after 3 months and a huge scare...it was mine. And the Lord only used those months to give my more certainty that I was made for this house and this city. Just as this house, when it was built in 1923 was made for me.

And there has been such joy in that. God saw me in 1923. He built these walls with love and care knowing that I would move in in 2011 and dwell here. And as changes were made and years passed, His hand rested on this home. And as I get to dwell in it and love it and change it, He prepares it one day for someone else. I know that I am simply a steward of this house. I hope, I strive, to wear that responsibility well.

So I am still processing this whole thing. And processing life in general. In four short months, life has change dramatically for me. And while there have been hard parts, it has been overwhelmingly good. Far beyond anything I deserve. God is so good. And that is something that on one hand can always be processed, but on the other never has to. It just is true.

The other side of the world and other thoughts

2011-04-25T05:46:00.002-04:00

I returned yesterday from a whirlwind trip to China. I went as a part of a staff delegation from the Hill at the invitation of a policy foundation that deals with Sino-US relations. I went with 9 other Hill staffers of similar positions for Members from both the House and Senate, as well as both parties. I had not met any of them before getting to the airport.

Needless to say, I really enjoyed the trip. My fellow travelers were wonderful and the country is full of interesting history. Seeing and walking on the Great Wall puts another check on my 30 by 30 list.

It was a bit spooky though. We met with a handful of high level officials and they are not afraid to say that they want to dominate us and be the world leader. I'm not really okay with that. And for as consumeristic as the US is, they are ten times more. There is not even the pretense of values that we often tout such as freedom, justice, opportunity, etc. It was all about what they could get and how much and for how little. I do not believe for one instance that China is a "developing country;" they have simply chosen to develop the cities, specifically Shanghai and Beijing and not the Western or more rural parts of the country.

My time there once again reminded me that I am so incredibly thankful for the freedoms that I have. The sheer fact that I was born here...but by the grace of God, I could be as lost as many of the people I met there. Thank you Lord.

The Easter liturgy says, "To redeem a slave, He gave a Son..." those words were profoundly heavy last night. I am not sure that I am as aware of the grace in which I am in need of on a daily basis. I think I often think I make it this far and then grace takes me the rest of the way, rather than the truth of needing grace from the very get go. I am a slave to sin. I was reminded of that in China, as I really wanted the approval and acceptance of the other people I was with. I was not bold with my faith. I talked about sure, as in what do you do in DC. Or why I have chosen to buy a home here. And while sure that is planting seeds, but why not just say it. I bought a house here, because I know that the God of all creation, created this home for me before time began. And I am here to do his work. To be a part of his change both in my own self, my home, my street, my neighborhood and this city.

I move in on Saturday. It totally freaks me out. I am not sure that I am ready for this, but my heart is filling with excitement at the thought. I am coming home. To a house built for me in 1923. With silly quirks and rooms and spaces made for me. Yeah, it is going to be weird moving into a place, I hope never to move out of. But there is such life in that. The home that I have always longed for has been given to me. And it's not heaven, but it is the place where I will get to experience and share the little glimpses of heaven that the Lord allows me to see this side of it. I cannot wait.

And now, since I have been up for three hours, I think I will go out and run. If I am not going to sleep, I might as well be productive right? Still being on China time is going to suck later this afternoon. Blah!

The quick hits

2011-04-11T16:58:00.003-04:00

The quick hits of my life these past couple of months are many. And I feel like all of them are huge and that I have only begun to process them and have been either too busy to write about them or too bogged down by the enormity of them to write about them. I went skiing with dear friends. I bought a house. Crazy work stuff including a potential govt. shutdown. But don't worry, I'm essential (Not really. I mean, I am deemed essential, but I am not really essential to the running of our govt.) I'm headed to China on Saturday. I've experienced incredible revelations of sin and forgiveness; and see so much freedom.

Home Buying

2011-02-28T20:09:00.003-05:00

"Moving, like any major upheaval, puts your whole identity in perspective. As a bunch of college-aged kids carried out the last boxes from my old house, I walked the empty rooms and realized once and for all that my possessions no longer define me as they once had, when I first began accumulating a giant truckload of stuff to fill those spaces. As much as I loved that house and its garden, I needed a fresh start, a chance to move into my own true self, rather than contriving some image I thought I should project, or trying to live up to a standard I could never afford to meet. For richer or poorer, Southerns have mastered the art of personal expression for generations. Many of us veer off the path to self-realization by failing to follow our passions, or worse, letting someone else dictate how or where we should live."

M. Lindsay Bierman

Editor, Southern Living

I like this quote because I feel very similarly. I feel like owning this home and is an opportunity to find myself more fully and press more deeply into my calling.

I have no idea what it is all about to look like, but I am ready. And excited.

Faith...not Sight

2011-02-18T11:21:00.002-05:00

From 843 Acres:

Lord, We may see fifteen events that happen in our lives each day. Yet, You see the billions that happen worldwide and how they create a tapestry. With any single act, You have many purposes. Yet we confess that we are quicker to accuse than ask You. Increase our faith in Your goodness, even when it seems like we are in jail and forgotten. Amen.

There is not much more to say. I doubt so often. Believe that He's overlooked me, but as I read the story of Joseph this morning, I know that He cannot forget me. Our faith is strengthened when our sight is limited.

But of this I am absolutely confident...one day I will have sight. I will see the grand story and how it is all woven together. My faith will be honored one day when He gives me sight. And I will look on the most glorious artwork of all time and eternity. It will be artwork and a story. And I will spend the rest of eternity marveling at the Creator of it and praising His glorious name.

So today I choose to live into my story. To trust that there is so much more than what I can see. And that He will make all things good in His time. After all, I only get to have faith this side of heaven; I better enjoy it while I can.

Lonely

2011-02-14T18:03:00.002-05:00

I've never really been one of those single people who hated Valentine's Day. It was just kind of another day. This year has been weird. Just some regrets, and I don't even feel like they are regrets per say, more like this immediate sadness that God said no to certain things and people. And as a friend reminded me yesterday, saying no now is because He is saying yes to something later.

Even just in the last year, the Lord said no to a job I was perfectly qualified form but was beat our for in by someone who had been with the office longer than I had. I was furious and hurt, but that happening allowed me to be in my job now. I can see now, that this job was what he was already saying yes to and preparing me for, but in the moment I couldn't see that far ahead. And I know that I will find that to be true once again, in this oh so tender part of my heart.

But this Valentine's is a little lonely. As I wait for what I believe is coming. But so thankful for amazing friends to spend tonight with listening to great music.

A Loving Father

2011-02-10T17:28:00.002-05:00

I loved this commerical.

I mean really. How could you not love a little kid marching around as Darth Vader, using The Force to make things happen. And who doesn't smile when he jumps when he "starts" the car.

But last night, as my small group discussed stuff, we talked about this commercial. And I think that there is more to why I love this commercial. I love it because it reminds me of my heavenly Father and how He loves to give His children good things.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights. James 1:17a

Or which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Of if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to his children, how much more will your Father, who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
Matthew 7:9-11

And even more than that, He loves to give me good things in His timing and in His ways. I am sure He gets a laugh to and as I point to things and try to force things to happen according to my plans and then smiles as He makes things happen through His touch.

I have spent a few years trying to make things happen. That's just in my nature. I think I do wait and trust God in many ways, but as soon as I am given the go ahead, and often times before said permission, I do it. I buy the house, I take the new job, I move to the city. I think that is what makes waiting so hard for me, yet it is so deeply good for me. Faith is created in the waiting.

And I cannot deny, that I know that my Father has the good thing that I long for the most. I know it. And I know that He longs for that day just as I do. And that He is giving me some pretty amazing gifts in the meantime that I am meant to rejoice in. And is building my faith, teaching me things to serve His divine, beautiful purposes. I see so clearly His hand in my life. It is absolutely unmistakable. And in many ways, seeing the reasons why He said, "No." It was for my good. Saying no, prepared the way for a good gift, a better gift that what I could have imagined.

Foiled

2011-02-02T09:21:00.002-05:00

I've been fairly certain that I have been primed for a spiritual attack. Nothing really more than this vague feeling of I know that Satan hates what is going on in my life right now, and he will do what he can to derail my hope and my confidence in my heavenly Father.

He came full speed ahead yesterday. A combination of hormones, good news from other friends that I want for myself, some self-pity, doubt, and loneliness just hit. Wam! And instead of turning to the Lord, I emotionally vomitted on a friend. And then spent most of the rest of the evening wrestling with what I know to be true, and what I see to be true, with the absences or waits that are in my life now. Reconciling those are hard sometimes.

It even went so far as to my dreams last night, where I was especially vulnerable. As I woke up in the middle of the night, I was hurting and and doubting and fearing everything I knew to be true. The terror of being alone and forgotten and in the darkness hurt.

But in that moment, I am oh so thankful for the practice of spiritual disciplines. I repeated Psalm 27:13-14 over and over again in my head. I would have despaired unless I believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage, wait for the Lord.

And from there I turned to a recent memorization, in honor of my 28th birthday. The 28th Psalm has been so sweet to me, but nothing like this verse, "Blessed be the Lord, for He has heard the voice of my pleas for mercy. The Lord is my strength and my shield, in Him my heart trusts and I am helped. (vs. 6 and 7a). I asked the Lord last night to be shield. Just as my blankets surrounded me, that He would shield me the same way from Satan's arrows. And that He would give me the strength to press on and into what He has put before me.

I almost immediately fell asleep. And slept peacefully the rest of the night. And when I woke, there were some lingering doubts and fears, but once again, I have solid proof that God is for me. He was my shield last night when I needed Him most. He is my faithful father who is inherently good and all I have to do is look at the generosity that overwhelms me. A new job, buying a home, the community that is joining me with great joy in all of this.

My God is not the unjust judge who grants mercy because he is tired of hearing my pleas. But a loving Father who does infinitely more than I ask or imagine. Who waits with me and counts every single tear. And provides men and women to walk through life with me. I serve an incredibly gracious God.

On a side note, so very encouraged by this blog, www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/spiritual-muscle-development

A New Year and a lot of New Stuff

2011-01-22T16:50:00.002-05:00

"....sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand...but one does not have to understand to be obedient..."

I wrote this quote in my last post because I it sums up everything right now. This place, this place that I don't quite have words for, is definitely an unexpected place. It is challenging and it is hard, and there have been bumps and bruises, but it is not a scary or unsafe place. It is not safe though either, but I do feel protected in it.

I feel protected because is with me. There is no denying that . I look at my life and there is no doubt that God is for me and with me and hears me and actively at work in my life.

But things are crazy here. I started a new job. I have put an offer on a house. I feel like life is happening all around me. Because it is. And the goodness and the graciousness of that he is showing me is incredible. It is a new year, full of new stuff, but I am so excited!

2011-01-19T17:44:00.003-05:00

"....sometimes when we listen, we are led into places we do not expect, into adventures we do not always understand...but one does not have to understand to be obedient..."

Madeleine L'Engle

Five Years...

2011-01-12T22:55:00.003-05:00

Five years ago today, I boarded a plane, flew three hours, got a cab, and went to the apartment I shared with five other women who I had never met before. I had no idea what this city held for me.

And while I could write about what I have learned, what I hope for in the next five, and all sorts of other stuff, the only thing that comes from my heart is gratitude. I am so thankful for so many things and people. To write them all down would take me days and that in itself is reason enough to be thankful.

I often struggle with not having the number one thing on my longing list, but the abundance of every other thing is overwhelming. Thank you Father. For such incredible faithfulness to me. I am so undeserving, and yet you continue to give.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

James 1:17

Wrap Up

2010-12-28T10:08:00.002-05:00

I am about to head off to Peru today. I'll welcome the new year from the ruins of Machu Piccu. I know. It's pretty fantastically awesome.

I cannot believe that 2010 is coming to an end. In some ways, last New Year's Eve feels just yesterday, and in other ways, like a thousand years ago.

I'm hopeful for the new year. Unsure what I will find in it...even as there is the anticipated things of a new job and a new home. And even as I hope for specific things this year, I'm going to continue to rest in the one thing that has saved me this year...God is for me.

And I definitely do not know what that looks like but I am so excited to find out and to spend this time this year delving deeper into his heart.

The Park Forum, which I love as a quick daily devotional, had this as their closing prayer yesterday. It is my prayer going forth.

Lord, You decide how long we will live and what we will accomplish. As we plan our precious and precarious lives in 2011, give us strategic minds that plan and humble hearts that do not presume. Let us rest in the security of Your providence that is stronger than chance or storms or cancer. May Your will – not ours – be done. Amen.

Surrender is Victory

2010-12-22T17:00:00.003-05:00

If God tears up your beautiful game plan and leads you into a valley instead of a mountaintop, it is because He wants you to discover His plan, which is more beautiful than anything you or I could have dreamed up. The response to trust is "Thank you Jesus." Even if it is said through clenched teeth. One of the greatest paradoxes of the Gospel is surrender is victory.

Surrender is victory. O Jesus. Thank you that your way is better. It is not about what I don't have. It is not even about when or if those things will ever come. It is about you and your kingdom to come.

What is your vision Lord? I know this new job is part of that vision. I believe that buying a home is a part of it too. Step by step, I know that you will reveal this plan.

And I know it is better. I know that is is beautiful. And I know it is happening. Now.

28

2010-12-21T15:29:00.004-05:00

I completed my 28th year today.

This has been a different sort of year. I had such expectations for this year. Last year at this time I had such hope for the relationship that I was in at the time. I had hope for healing, but by way of the path of least resistance. I hoped for this year to be painless and light.

This year was painful. But it was not dark. In fact, it was full of light. There were times I was in the shadows and others were it was cloudy or foggy, but light filled my life this year.

I don't even really know what to to say to quantify this year. I don't know that I ever want to repeat it, but I'm so, so thankful for it. Who I was on December 21, 2009 and who I am today are light years apart. I don't want to be the girl I was then. And I'm excited for the girl I am becoming.

This next year holds a lot of promise...I'll start a new job in a few weeks, after my adventure to Peru, and I'll likely buy a house in the coming months. I also am steppping down from my major place of ministry at church and excited about might be...

So here is to twenty-eight incredible years...and to my twenty-ninth year...here is to beyond my expectations. He does it every year. And that is one expectation I don't think will be unmet.

Bittersweet

2010-12-17T18:15:00.001-05:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.

Anatole France

Now to him who is able to do infinitely more than we ask or imagine according to the power at work within us.

The Apostle Paul

A Tattoo

2010-12-15T11:10:00.005-05:00

I think I need a tattoo. One on my hand probably in that fleshy part between my thumb and forefinger. And I want it to say "HE is for me."

I'm not actually going to get a tattoo, but I need that reminder pretty much every minute of every day. I repeat it to myself over and over again...especially when thoughts of loneliness or fear or forgottenness, or any of the other thousand of reasons that make me start to lose hope come up. I share this thought with my friends when they are down. I listen as the Lord sings in over me during times that I cannot sing it myself. I hear it in my friends' stories as I see the Lord work in their own lives.

The fact of the matter, at least for me in this very moment, is that I am in the thick of the battle. The fighting has been hard before, but the circumstances were oh so different. For one, the idol is now so clear. And I want it shattered. And, for the first time in what has been an almost two year process, I am healthy enough to actually fight. Previously, people had to stand in for me, or at other times I have just lamely laid there and let the battle go on around me as I watched, and other times I have pretended that there was not any fight.

But now I'm fighting, and my weapons are many. Gratitude to change my perspective on the abundant blessings of my life - friends, community, church, home, family, trips, job, encouragement...the list is infinite. Praise of His character also changes perspective and rightly orients my issues. With scripture and claiming that what was true for all the saints that have gone before me remains true now. And most of all with the yelled, "NO!" as the thought spiral of doom (as I like to refer to it) starts to spin. And then I repeat to myself over and over again. God is for me. God is for me.

That the God of the Universe. Creator. King. Savior. Judge. All-knowing. All-powerful. Prince of Peace. Emmanuel. Lover. Friend. Companion. Eternal. God. He is for me. Sarah. Just one person among many of millions. Many who cry for the same things I do - a home, a spouse, a job, a community. But He hears my voice. He attends to my cries. He meets with me in my fear and in my joy.

And He tells me, "Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom." (Luke 12:32)

He's already given me so much, and yet it remains His good pleasure to give me the kingdom. So as I long and wrestle, I wield this truth, "He is for me. He is for me. He is for me."

A Story

2010-12-11T18:47:00.003-05:00

Last night my heart was in very great need of a story. Only, I wasn't aware of that deep need. But the Lord in his kindness, ordered my day in such a way that it ended with seeing the newest Chronicles of Narnia movie. In reality, I should have stayed at the party that I was at...that would have been the maybe not wise move per say, but any time to meet new guys is honestly usually the right choice. But like I said, I needed a story last night.

When I think about this past year for me, the words that come to mind are unmet expectations, a broken heart, shattered dreams, ashes. But I also know that my God, the one true God is also the God who goes infinitely beyond my expectations (Eph. 3:20), gives me a new heart (Ezekiel 36:26), teaches me to dream new, bigger dreams, and brings forth life from the ashes. He is the God who raises the dead.

Lewis' stories have always reminded me to long for the country to come. I left the theater last night in anxious anticipation of the life to come. I got in my car and in His generosity the song that was playing was a Cademon Call song that is taken from a song in Godspell - Prepare Ye the Way of the Lord.

And even just in the five minutes it took me to drive home, singing that song, and all of us are longing for redemption and restoration. I don't think that enough people know where that will comes from, but it is coming because God became man and was born in a manger that we will celebrate in just a few weeks. And then He humbled himself on the cross, and He defeated death in three days' time.

I asked last night as I went to sleep for God to tell me a story. I don't remember anything from the night, but as I walked through my day today, a story was told to me. It is my story and it is unfolding all the time. I want to live into my story. And I want to be told with gusto and joy. I know there must be tear and times of sorrow, times of obstacles that I cannot seem to overcome. But my story ends with beauty beyond what any of us have ever known in this life. Beauty of a bridegroom taking his bride and coming to the feast beyond compare.

I want to tell a story. And another and another. And I want to listen to your stories.

Here

2010-11-15T16:13:00.002-05:00

I’m here…I’ve been saying that for awhile now; “That I am here.” My heart no longer skips a beat and the urge to run away has long since subsided. In fact, my heart grows weary when away from this place for too long. It is soothing when my plane lands at DCA or driving in on familiar roads. I love my morning commute, my evening runs, the ebb and flow of life here. I love the people who have made me rich far beyond measure. To say that I am blessed does not begin to do justice to the friendships and community that I have here.

And as the allure of leaving has lessened, I’ve been able to see the vision more clearly. The little whispers that have always been written into my heart have moved from dusky shapes to concrete steps. The longings for home, peace, rest and comfort are now meals spent with friends around a table, girlfriends giggling on the couch until the wee hours of the morning, nights spent around a fire enjoying drinks and one another’s company. Life is full, life is good. Although, it is never quite enough…it always points to the life to come.

And yet, the challenge for more continues to break through the contentment that I have now. I’m hearing the call to go beyond the words, “I’m here.” To take the often scary step of home ownership in an expensive market, a single woman buying a place that I hope will be home for the next 50 years.

I hope, much like the line in Field of Dreams, that “if [I] build it, they will come.” They being everyone from neighbors to husband, children to houseguests. But I am scared that they won’t. That this could be a home that I prattle around in by myself.

And yet the call continues, with deeper yearnings than I’ve ever known for a basement apartment that can be a place for people to stay for a sabbatical, or time of teaching, or family coming to visit. I long for a small yard, with a fire pit and flowers, vegetables to gift to neighbors and teas to celebrate the milestones of my life and the lives of those I abide with. I need a kitchen and dining room that nourish the hungry – whether physically or spiritually. I want a rooftop, to go quietly onto and welcome the morning sun rising over the city prepared for me before time began and praise the God who foresaw that rooftop even then. I desire a living room that people sit for a spell and to learn from those more wise than myself. For bedrooms that will be children’s bedrooms, with toys and laughter and lessons.

I want an address, that is remembered not for its size, nor its prestige, or its inhabitants, but because it is a respite for friend and stranger alike and without prejudice. Because it is a place of feasting, whether in plenty or in famine. Because it is a place of testimony of the great things the Lord has done and will do. Because it is a place of hope for the kingdom to come both on earth and in heaven.

The call is becoming clearer and clearer. To buy a home. To open it up. To live in it, not because it is mine, but because it is the Lord’s. I am so scared, and excited.

The Narrow Path of Hope

2010-10-11T14:14:00.004-04:00

That might be a title to a book out there somewhere. It just kind of sounds that way to me. But it is also my current state. I am having a difficult time walking this path. The ease with which I fall into bitterness and hopelessness is pathetic.

I'm studying First Samuel with my accountability group and I am struck so much by Deborah. How she petitions the Lord just by pouring her heart out. Admitting those scary places, but she never seems to fall onto the side of bitterness. But I do wonder if she feels hopeless - it mentions her sadness.

I was with an incredible group of women the other night, and just in reflecting on highs and lows, we're all hoping for husbands, and frankly a bit discouraged by the statistics that surround us. And the girls that are getting married and comparing ourselves to them. And some have moved a bit toward the bitterness side and others to hopelessness, and I certainly go back and forth between both of those places.

But the thing is I don't want to be either of those two things. I want to hope. I'm hoping in the God that raises the dead, who has transformed my heart from stone to flesh. Who has redeemed more people and places than I can even begin to count. He is who is walking this narrow little path and He is who sticks out His hand when I fall off, helping me back to live in this hope. He is also the one calling out to me and reminding me time after time that I can hope in Him. That it is not stupid or crazy for me to hope in Him.

But Lord, living here, living in this place and time that you have ordained, is so freaking hard. The word I keep hearing is dig in and hold on, but for real, how do I do that? How? Help me Jesus. I for real cannot do this without you.

Rwanda

2010-10-05T09:54:00.001-04:00

I've been home for over a month now. And I am only beginning to really be able to process the trip. The short version would be that the trip was wonderful. It was full of rest, laughter, joy, sorrow, redemption, difficulties, people, places, and so much more that contributed to an absolutely amazing trip. I am so thankful that I actually got to return to Rwanda. When I think about the fact that some people will never have the chance to visit Africa in general, much less twice, and I've gotten to go twice and imagine that I will go again one day, just blesses my socks off.

I came home with a renewed sense of my call here. DC is home, but even more than that this community is home. And while I think in so many ways, I am much more naturally equipped for the mountains or the lakes or the foreign nations, I know this to be true: He is equipping me to be here. I didn't miss His plan for me by not going to South America in 2006, or Africa in 2007 or Colorado in 2008...although I thought very seriously about all those options. I am smack in the middle of His perfect will right here. Crazy.

Back to Rwanda. I think the biggest joy and sorrow my heart experienced was towards the end of the trip. As a team we went out to the Church at Nyamata outside of Kigali. I had visited this church last time, but only heard the basics of what happened there.

The church at Nyamata was a place that approximately 2500 Tsutis were killed. They had run there for safety and it ended up being their tomb. It is now a Memorial. We went with Charles, a 24 year old survivor of the genocide from Nyamata. He was 8 years old when his father took his family to the church. When the Hutus came Charles watched them behead his father, kill his mother, a woman forced to watch as men cut out her unborn child from her womb on the altar, among countless other atrocities. Charles' brother took him to one corner of the room and told Charles to hide his head in this hole and to stay put until it stopped. When it did stop the next morning, Charles searched through body parts (grenades had been thrown into the building) to find his brother and sister dead. He lost everyone in one night. Charles explained everything that had happened that night and pointed to all the places that everything had occurred. I couldn't help but cry. He had been no older than many of the precious children at my church, and yet he has suffered more in one night than I hope any of them ever do.

We then walked outside, and visited the tombs of the those who died. And while we were outside, I could hear singing from somewhere not far off. All different voices, coming together in unity signing beautifully. And it immediately reminded me of that moment in our Easter Vigil, when the celebration begins. The darkness and the quiet are thrown off for the shouts of joy, the bells, the whistles, everything and all of us overflowing with the sheer joy that the tomb is empty, that Christ is risen. And our liturgy proposes this question, which is the same that Paul asks in 1 Corinthians 15. "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?"

Charles' story, Rwanda's story, my story are all the same. Though we were dead, we are now alive. They are stories of hope, of redemption, of restoration. When you think of Rwanda, think of life! That is the story. Not genocide, not death, not evil. None of those things won. Life won.

Home

2010-09-22T14:19:00.002-04:00

I love returning to my little city. I've enjoyed my travel over the last couple of months, but really nothing beats my life here.

And I often forget what city I live in, for me it is simply home. But maybe my travel made me a bit sappy, as the past few days I have really just enjoyed the little things...of walking to church past all the row houses. Taking a jog on the Mall - passing the White House, Capitol, monuments and ending at the Potomac River. That part of my job requires me to walk in the Capitol and be in the spectacular art and arcitechture that it is. Riding my bike to baseball games. Passing the Supreme Court on the way to work. Eastern Market and the joy of sweet friends who happen to be there as well. The ebb and flow on life on the Hill. Rooftops and gazing across my city.

It is all so sweet.

And it is made all the sweeter because of the wonderful friends who I walk through life with. Airport pickups and silly, if not scandalous, conversations in the backyard. Meals and deep conversations. The simplicity of a walk in silence. Prayers on benches. Couches, conversations and dessert. Peeling peaches around a kitchen table.

I love my home. And still am so suprised by it. So surprised that this place and these people are the answers to so many prayers prayed throughout a lifetime and most especially in college.

Home. Makes me happy. Makes my joyful. Let's my heart rest.

at dusk

2010-08-20T09:17:00.004-04:00

I wake up most mornings confident in my Lord. It's not hard to believe that He is good when I am lying in my bed after a night's rest...even if the night included many tossings. At first light the world is always His. The bad will never creep in. All is as it should be.

And then my feet hit the floor.

And as I go through out my day, fighting the battles of my thoughts and flesh, Satan's arrows, and just the mess of the world, I want to stop believing that He is out there and loves me and is working for my good. I want to cash it all end - saying I've been faithful enough. I'll take what I have earned thus far and go no further. My journey stops here.

These last six months, this fight has intensified. I've been beaten and broken. The burdens, the pain, the tears, the emotions, it has all been too much. Waking up is easy to do. Walking is near impossible.

And yet, my surprise is this: I've taken those difficult steps. Shut down those wayward thoughts. The God who I believe in in the safety of the dawn is the same God who shepherds me throughout my day and who guards me in the night. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done, but at the end of the day in the darkest watch of the night, I still believe.

I've heard recently the whispers of my Father, "Well done, good and faithful Sarah, enter into my joy." And as burdens have been lifted for the first time in months, maybe years, not only am I hopeful in the dawn's morning light but at dusk my heart cries with praise that has been born out of once painful places, places that now are markers and memorials to the hope and the faith that they produced.

The Table

2010-08-12T18:57:00.003-04:00

My dream came true a few months ago. With the move to the new house, my roommates and I gained a dining room. However we did not have a table. And then I found her.

The table was special for me. In my list of wants from my post from January of 2009 this table fits it all. I hugged her the day she arrived.

You see, I believe that life begins around a dining room table. Sharing food, stories, joys and burdens. Lingering over a glass of wine or dessert. Giggles. Prayers. News. Friends. Neighbors. Community. Life.

Nothing fills my heart with joy more than the opportunity to feed people at my table. I hope they leave it each time full, both of food and love. I want to bear others' burdens even while failing miserably at carrying my own.

So the table is here. There is still work being done to complete the room. But that's part of the fun, welcoming people in even in my disarray. Because that is such a mark of my life. Of all of our lives. I'm a unfinished product. Messed up, incomplete, longing for heaven when I will be complete. I am hopeful that this room will be finished soon.

Anyway. Join me for dinner. Eat at my table. We'll feast. And we'll praise our Father and look forward to the feast that is to come.

The Welfare of the City

2010-07-27T09:33:00.002-04:00

Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare.

Jeremiah 29:5-7

Lord. I want to live this out.

And the chances of literally building a house here is slim, although I have made a home there. And I have literally planted gardens and eaten their produce. I would say there has been plenty of figurative seeds planted as well. I know there has been many in my own life. Roots headed deep in my own life. This past year is proof of that.

But Lord, it is in the next two sentences that I need your help. To believe that you are at work in that area of my life. Because I want to be married and I want to raise children here in the city. But I know that those two sentences are not necessary to care about the welfare of this city.

I want to care about the schools and the neighborhoods, our parks and streets. I want to assault the throne on behalf of this city and its people that we see change in our city. While at the same time asking for the other things. I just wish believing that the Lord was at work on those other things was easy to believe.

Ishmael

2010-07-22T09:36:00.002-04:00

I've been looking at the story of Sarah and Abraham a lot recently. It has provided both encouragement and warning.

Last year around this same time, I was a perfectly content single woman. It didn't bother me that there appeared to be no options. I trusted my Father would work those things out in His timing and so I went along my merry way, knowing that He would provide in His timing and in His goodness.

But the Lord in His wisdom (that I absolutely do not understand), allowed me to taste the goodness of relationship. And while it was much too short in my opinion, it was wholly good - in the experience itself, the things I learned from it and its end, and the man himself. And that wakened this longing, that I know that I have always had, for the marriage. To say to someone I choose you...even on the days that I don't want to choose you, I do. And I say I love you. And for someone to do the same for me. To stand before the Lord and family and make vows. A covenant.

I long for that choice, that love, for that promise. And yet, it is not mine. Not right now. And so I look at the story of Sarah and Abraham. They wanted a child. An heir. More than anything, this is what they longed for. What they hoped in. Oh how I feel the depths of their longing.

And they had the Lord's promise: "And behold, the word of the LORD came to him: 'This man shall not be your heir; your very own son shall be your heir.' And he brought him outside and said, 'Look toward heaven, and number the stars, if you are able to number them.' Then he said to him, 'So shall your offspring be.' And he believed the LORD, and he counted it to him as righteousness." Gen sis 15:4-6

So Sarah and Abraham had this promise. A son of their own. And so they believed. And then they waited. And waited. And waited some more. And it was as if the Lord forgot. Or I am sure that is the way it seemed to Sarah and Abraham. At the very least, scripture shows us that Sarah definitely felt that way. And I share her fear. Has God forgotten me? Did He overlook me and this need somehow? And I want to try and make something happen.

Sarah also wanted to make something happen. She saw God's delay and tried to arrange for the life that she was promised with her own hands. Genesis 16 recounts the story of Sarah giving Hagar to Abraham and the birth of a son, Ishmael. And that led to whole bunch of hurt for all involved - Sarah, Hagar, Abraham and Ishmael. And I see the warnings. While marriage seems delayed to me, it is in His hands. And I could go and try to make it happen for me. But that only leads to hurt, to anger, to brokenness.

In Genesis 17, God reiterates His promise to Abraham. Verses 15 through 21 say: "And God said to Abraham, 'As for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her, and moreover, I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall become nations; kings of peoples shall come from her.' Then Abraham fell on his face and laughed and said to himself, 'Shall a child be born to a man who is a hundred years old? Shall Sarah, who is ninety years old, bear a child?' And Abraham said to God, 'Oh that Ishmael might live before you!' God said, 'No, but Sarah your wife shall bear you a son, and you shall call his name Isaac. I will establish my covenant with him as an everlasting covenant for his offspring after him. As for Ishmael, I have heard you; behold, I have blessed him and will make him fruitful and multiply him greatly. He shall father twelve princes, and I will make him into a great nation. But I will establish my covenant with Isaac, whom Sarah shall bear to you at this time next year.'"

Even as God was reminding Abraham that He would give him a son, born of Sarah, Abraham is saying, "Well, can't you just do that through Ishmael? Wouldn't that be easier?" And God says no! Issac is the son of the covenant. Issac is the son that was the impossible, not the son of human hands, but of a Divine God who can do the supernatural.

And so I wait in this place, full of longing and hope for what is to come. I'm so tempted to make things happen myself. And it is not easy and it is not painless. And I wrestle with doubts and questions and fears and what ifs. It is a fight here in the delay. The in between is not and never will be easy. But it prepares me for a promise...for a bridegroom (two of them actually, I hope anyway, both my earthly and heavenly one). And these fights are sanctifying, purifying fights. I want to be a beautiful bride. So still my hands Lord from trying to arrange for the life I think I want.

Because I don't want Ishmael. I want Issac.

Who am I?

2010-07-13T09:05:00.005-04:00

Who am I?

I've wondered that a lot this part year. All of life seems to be about figuring out who we are...as children we develop personailities, in junior high and high school we question who we seem to be...in college we try to figure out who we are so we know what to do with the rest of our lives...theoretically after college we know who are and we just live into that person.

DC has been a place where I discovered so much of who I am. Because so many people and places that helped shaped me were taken away, I was...I am...free to be who I was always meant to be. But this past year, in the time of trials, this angst to know who I am has certainly returned. I know that I am not yet who I should be. I also know that I will never perfectly achieve that person this side of heaven. I am incomplete here. But I also know that I can be that person here. The Spirit that lives in me allows and enables me to be that person.

But when I think about who I am right now, this is the description I come up with.

I am sure of but one thing in this life. That there is a God. And He is good...although believing that is the struggle for me. I question His goodness to me. But then I look at what an extraordinary life He has taken me on these past 27 years - the wildest and most unexpected of journeys. I've made a home where I never thought it was possible. It is no longer strange that DC fits and makes sense for me - of course it does - this is the place I was born for but never knew.

I'm messy, both physically with my space and sometimes my appearance, but inside as well. I'm a crier, I cry a lot and often. I love sitting outside and just being there. And listening to good music. I still wish I could play an instrument but I really don't want to take the time to learn how to play one. And I love just listening to others play. Few things are better than live music with dear friends.

I ran a marathon and loved it. I signed up for a second one. I think I lost my mind. But I love the stillness of a run. The worst is when I think during them. But to just plug away, mile after mile, with nothing going on in my head, is really the greatest gift. The same goes for my bike, but I think I love it even more.

Car rides are therapy. A sunny day changes everything. I am less concerned about doing something I love for a job than I am with being around who I love every day.

If the only thing I ever accomplish in this life is to host everyone I know at my dining room table just once, that will be enough. I absolutely believe that life begins around a dining room table. Sharing food, words, laughter, drinks, teasing, love and everything else is a moment of pure joy for me. Nothing is quite like it.

Authenticity is a key character quality for me...which is funny because I work in politics.

I traveled to Rwanda three years ago and it rocked my world. I'm headed back in a matter of weeks and I cannot wait, but parts of me are terrified at the emotional hits that are sure to be a part of the trip. But to see dear friends, especially one pastor and his wife make my heart leap with joy.

There is a family in Boston, that when seeing pictures of the kids makes me want to jump in my car and just drive so I can give them a big hug. These sweet children minister to me because they love me for me.

I want to be great in the kingdom. I want to surrender all to the King. I'm learning that - learning to turn to Him in all things. Even when I am pissed at Him, or don't understand his ways, or when overcome with praise and joy.

I love the line in a song, "you're the lover of my soul and you've won my heart." It speaks to the places I am most scared of - that I am not lovable and that I will not be won.

I'm insecure. Struggle with what true feminity is. I've got serious feminist tendencies, but I love it when guys open my door.

I've dreamt of mountains and oceans and great adventures...but at the end of the day, what I truly want, with every heartbeat, is to love and live well. To put down roots, and be somewhere. Really be there. To share life around a table, to walk with people even as I stumble on my own walk. I want to confess my sins, to be humble and quick to repent and to forgive. I want to be beautiful in the Lord's eyes. I want his heart to burst with prize. "Do you see her?" He will say. "That one, she's mine." Oh how I long to hear those words.

I am not so much afraid of committment as I am of being left behind. I recently realized that marriage is an idol in my life and I want Him to shatter it. I am so selfish. I don't want to be.

Skydiving was amazing, but I am not thrill seeker.

I know how the story ends...I know my eternity is decided. But I often forget that in the day to day of wondering what will my job be, or will I get married, or have a family. But I don't want to forget that the reason that my heart is never quite at rest here is that this world is not as it should be.

My hope in life is to be an active part of supernatural transformation through the Holy Spirit. So lead on Lord, I'm a following.

Faithfulness

2010-07-04T18:54:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, one of my pastors was ordained as a presbyter, which is something that most Anglicans and Catholics will understand. That's not the point though. Aaron's father prayed for him during the prayer time and he said they named him Aaron with this hope - hope of fulfilling this prophecy of his name.

And it was as if the Lord spoke to me in that moment. I have been named Sarah Elizabeth with divine purpose. It is not just a name that my parents' liked, but a name that the Lord gave me in the moment that His wondrous mind conceived me. I was chosen as Sarah Elizabeth long before I made my way into this world, and my name holds a promise. I am a princess and God's promise. And I know that it is incredibly and absolutely purposeful.

And in those moments of prayers, I was reminded of my namesakes (or I'm there namesakes? I don't know?) Sarah and Elizabeth were both women of faith. The writer of Hebrews says "By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised."

And Luke recounts the story of Elizabeth and Zechariah, Elizabeth too waited long for the birth of a son. And I love this exchange with Mary, "And when Elizabeth heard the greeting of Mary, the baby leaped in her womb. And Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit, and she exclaimed with a loud cry,"Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb! And why is this granted to me that the mother of my Lord should come to me? For behold, when the sound of your greeting came to my ears, the baby in my womb leaped for joy. And blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."

God's faithfulness to both these women is a legacy for me. He has a history of faithfulness. In the quiet that continued that night, the Lord continued to speak. He who has promised is faithful to do it. Hebrews 10:23 and Philippians 1:6

And in the doubts and questions and turmoil of this season of life, faith, however small, sustains me. I have hope. I am Sarah Elizabeth for divine reason on this earth. And I long for the day when upon seeing my Savior face to face he will give me my new name. "The nations shall see your righteousness,and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give." Isaiah 62:2 and "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who conquers I will give some of the hidden manna, and I will give him a white stone, with a new name written on the stone that no one knows except the one who receives it." Revelations 2:17

A letter...an announcement...

2010-07-01T15:14:00.003-04:00

Many of you who read this will probably get a hard copy...but an announcement of sorts. Your prayers more than anything are coveted.

Dearest friends,

Three summers ago I had an incredible opportunity to spend time in Rwanda, a small country in East Africa, largely known for the genocide that took place there in 1994. Rwanda, however, is special in my heart for many other reasons and I have long hoped to return.

I landed in Rwanda on July 31, 2007, emotionally and physically drained, but my first thought upon landing was “This is the land of my fathers.” My next thought was “That’s dumb, Sarah, you are very clearly a white girl who has no relatives from Rwanda.” But as I thought more about the first statement, I realized how true it was. Rwanda is the land of my fathers, because it is the heritage of the church I belong to here in Washington. Church of the Resurrection is a part of the Anglican Mission in America, which is under the governance of the Anglican Province in Rwanda. It is their passion for Jesus Christ and His truth are integral parts of the heritage of my church.

Rwanda mirrors my own story in so many ways. It is a story of mess ups and darkness…of resurrection and redemption …and of hope. During the two weeks I was there, I had the incredible privilege of worshipping with thousands of Rwandans at a celebration for the past ten years of the Lord’s faithfulness and to spend time getting to know the congregation of our sister church.

I did not think that the opportunity to return would come so soon, but it has. I will return to Rwanda at the end of August to spend time with the parishioners of our sister church and to provide support to a reconciliation project connected with the film, As We Forgive. As We Forgive is an award winning documentary produced by a member of our congregation that has now morphed into an incredible project that promotes reconciliation and healing between victims and perpetrators in Rwanda. For more details on As We Forgive, please visit http://awfri.org and www.asweforgivemovie.com. The last few days will be spent in the northern Rwanda visiting children that our church has sponsored at a school and orphanage started by Bishop John Rucyahana. Hopefully, we will get to spend some time with Bishop John as well.

I humbly ask for your support on this great adventure. Pray that the Lord would continue to bring about forgiveness and healing in Rwanda, in the aftermath of unfathomable human suffering, and that our trip would bear much fruit. Pray for a spirit of unity and a shared vision for all of the team members. Naturally trips of this nature also entail financial resources. If you are so inclined to support the trip in this way, checks can be made out to the Church of the Resurrection with 'Rwanda 2010' in the memo line. Your contribution to this effort is tax deductible as a charitable donation. The Parish Council of the Church has full direction and control over donations for this mission. Thank you for your love and support – I’m excited for this opportunity to renew old friendships and take part in new adventures in a land that is far from home, but dear to my heart.

With great anticipation of what lies ahead,
Sarah

Stability

2010-06-29T10:10:00.002-04:00

This month marks four years at Rez. I cannot believe that it was only four years ago that I sat in the corner of the couch at the Claire's house for my Newcomers' Dinner.

I remember dinner fairly vividly. Not what we ate, but the people. Oddly enough, most of the people who would be so important to me at Rez were at that dinner...Liz, Miriam, Laura, Brittany, Mark and Mandy, Dan and Elise, Deo and Beatrice.

A lot has changed in four years. The person I once was cannot contain the things I have since learned. As I was driving home with a friend on Sunday night, we were talking about all the good-byes we've said this past year...and all the possibilities ahead. And the desire that both of us had to stay here in this city.

The more I know about myself, the more I realize that it is in my nature to stay put. I know in college I flirted seriously with the idea of a nomadic lifestyle, that was dangerous...adventurous...and that was the sort of girl I wanted to be. And at least once a year, I get a deep itch to leave or make changes - when the fear of good-byes, when I've gotten hurt, when the possibilities seem overwhelming. But I continue to hear the call and the command to stay put. That this is my adventure.

I long for a rich life that comes from being deeply rooted on the solid rock. The prophet Jeremiah says "Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water. that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and it is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit. (17:7-8)

Things have changed. I have changed. Both will continue to happen. But 20 years from now, I still want to be here (if it is His will) and be able to testify to the faithfulness of the Lord. I hope and I pray that I will be here with a family and loving those next door to me and in the church around me. But I want to be here. I want to bear bountiful, beautiful, sweet, nourishing fruit. I want deep roots that allow me to weather any storm.

And I want to have stories to tell...I hope with many of the same friends that sit around my dining room table now to sit around it then. And new friends and faces to join me. I want to live life here. I choose here. I am scared to death in this choice. What if no one chooses me? Chooses to stay with me here? But I press on and into a God who promises me that He is always good.

what i don't know how to say

2010-06-25T13:12:00.002-04:00

I don’t want to leave here, I don’t want to stay
It feels like pinching to me either way
And the places I long for most are the places where I’ve been
They are calling out to me like a long lost friend

It’s not about losing faith, it’s not about trust
It’s all about comfortable when you move so much
And the place I was wasn’t perfect but I had found a way to live
And it wasn’t milk or honey but then neither is this

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks
'cause the future feels so hard and I wanna go back
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I’ve learned
Those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

The past is so tangible I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard
And I was dying for some freedom but now I hesitate to go
I am caught between the promise and the things I know

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt, leaving out what it lacks
‘cause the future feels so hard and I wanna go back
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I’ve learned
Those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned
Oh those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned

If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
And if it comes too quick, I may recognize it
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
-sara groves

I don't want to be in the battle, but standing at the edge of one I can't avoid is even worse.
-unknown

Infinite Love

2010-06-21T13:52:00.003-04:00

In our liturgy, during the eucharist there is a line, "In His infinite love, He made us for Himself."

"In His infinite love, He made us for Himself."

I just want to repeat that over and over to myself. It is such a profound and awe-inspiring statement. God made me for himself. Out of a love that I cannot understand, a love some amazing, so large, so full, so deep, that infinite is the word the ancients chose to describe it.

Just trying to absorb the meaning of infinite makes my mind go crazy. And that is the love that created me for Him. Right now, I'm in the midst of a fight to believe that I am worthy, loved, chosen, wanted. It is not a fight that I am particularly proud of, but it is my battle. And the Lord comes into this fight and speaks words like this. He made me for Him. Chose me before I was born, to be His. It's fear inducing, awe inspiring sort of statement.

And it was a safety line last night amidst fears and tears and struggles. There is hope; I was made for Him.

Brave

2010-06-10T14:52:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up with the lyrics from a Nicole Nordeman song that I don't think I've heard since who know whens.

"So long status quo/I think I just let go/You make me want to be brave" were the words that continued to play in my head. The song goes on to say "The way it always was/ Is no longer good enough/You make me want to be brave."

And I've woken up a bunch of mornings with songs in my head. Songs that I have no idea when I heard them last. But they always seem to be songs that encourage. I'm thankful that the Lord continues to speak to my soul.

I can think of a lot of things that I am letting go of right now. All are somewhere in the process, but I can taste the freedom.

Jesus came that we might be free. After all, "It was for freedom that He set us free." (Gal. 5:1) And I've been working through many things in my life. Praying for freedom, asking to be made new and whole, asking for revelation and restoration. But I think that in these last few days, there has been a step foward.

I'm not sure what is ahead for me, what the Lord is preparing me for right now. And I don't think that it matters. Taking the steps forward, whether or not I am scared. That is what counts. That's bravery. That's faithfulness.

And more and more I realize that faithfulness is all that matters to me. I want to be found faithful. At the end of my days, when I look face to face with my Maker, what I long for most is the words, the approval, the "Well done good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your master."

Bravery. Faithfulness. It is all worthwhile. Worthwhile because I get to enter into the joy of my master. And my Master has joy like none other.

Stories

2010-06-07T16:23:00.003-04:00

I love stories. I read Chronicles of Narnia and Lewis' Space Trilogy once a year because I love the way the stories speak to my soul. I've been watching little pieces of the Lord of the Rings the past couple of nights and I love this exchange between Frodo and Sam.

"I can't do this, Sam."

"I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something."

"What are we holding onto, Sam?"

"That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for."

Right now each of us is writing and walking in our own great story. One that really matters, one full of darkness and danger. And I love the absolute beauty of how my story weaves in with your story that weaves in with someone else's stories until we have this beautiful pattern of time woven in and out and we see the Lord's hands in each of our lives. As Paul puts it in Romans, "God works all things for good for those called according to His purposes." Romans 8:28.

And the Lord has turned new pages in my story over the past year. I have a clearer picture of who the Lord is and who I am in Him. I've experienced growth like none other this year, but I don't think much of it has been outward. My roots have been sent deep. Deep roots will yield a more plentiful harvest. And these roots, this growth, is a confidence that my God is good. Good. Good. Good. And that is worth fighting for.

Vulnerable

2010-06-06T12:33:00.003-04:00

Because of the Lord's complete goodness and graciousness I find myself in a place of complete and total vulnerability. And I am tempted to think that this is a bad thing. But it is not. The past couple of years have brought such a wonderful community around me - one in which it is safe to be in a place of pain and emotional and just plain broken. One where I can explore scars and wounds of my past but pray and earnestly hope and expect redemption, and make active choices and steps in my healing.

In many ways, I am so sick of brokenness. It seems as if for the majority of the past eighteen months that it has been my address, but the encouragement that I have received about the growth others have seen in my life has been so sweet to my soul. I am not the same person that I was just a few months ago.

I have seen myself in new situations - moves, goodbyes, hellos, relationships, breakups, loss of control, job competition, marathons, and more and more. And some things about me and the way I react to the world have been revealed, and some of these things are wholly good, but there are some lies that have made there way in too. And the Lord, in His wisdom, gave me a prayer last September, for sanctification, and then again in February to change where I needed to change and in His kindness has chosen to answer these prayers. Both are lifelong processes, but right now they are focused. His desire has become my desire, to remove this spirit of criticism that I so often wield against myself. To see myself as He sees me to fight these tendencies and to know the truth.

C.S. Lewis writes in Letters to an American Lady, that it is "as if He said, 'In my inexorable love I shall lay upon you the dust that you are glories and dangers and responsibilities beyond your understanding.'" I have become more and more aware of the dust that I am, but in the same breath I see that I have been "crowned and that coronation is somehow, if splendid, a tragic splendor." And that in my coronation, my redemption, my restoration, this is a necessary place in time for me. My Father is relentless in his desire for me to be like Him. He will not stop making me a new creation, making me rely on Him, making my heart wholly His.

And that starts in this place. There are a lot of tears, a lot of fears, and this feeling of complete unknown. I am so unsure of anything that the future holds for me, except healing. That I am confident of...what it looks like is a completely different story.

aftermath

2010-05-23T21:57:00.003-04:00

Today felt like the aftermath of a long costly and hard-fought battle. One that I am not sure if I won or lost, whether or not I am wounded or not. I know that the aftermath is a disaster...albeit a beautiful one...because the Lord has strengthened me. Refined me. Given me a clearer and clearer picture of who He is.

Truth is the battle is still on-going. The aftermath is not quite here...and I've been taught throughout it how to better harm the enemy. That my words of praise in the midst of the battle are my own piercing arrows. Faithfulness is my shield.

And while the enemy fans the flames of my fears, and perverts good things so that they take the place of ultimate...I know this is a battle that is almost over. O Lord, at least I desperately hope it is.

The thing is this: I want to be found faithful. Above all. I want, I long, to hear the words, "Well done good and faithful servant. Enter into the joy of your master." And in the deep and restored places of my heart, that has always been what I have wanted most. And now, I want to learn to live there in the day to day, the mundane and in the dry and weary battlefield.

Dwell

2010-05-18T22:07:00.002-04:00

Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and pursue faithfulness.

Psalm 37:3

This psalm has been my conviction, my hope, and my prayer recently.

I am in such a unexpected place. I was not supposed to move into a new house while living in DC, at least not another house filled with women. I expected that I would move away from here and get married when I left 417. Mostly I just did not consider moving out of 417. I mean, yes, Lindsey and I looked for housing on and off for a good two years, but it was never real.

And then wammo. I was locking the front door for the last time after walking through an empty house. A sweet friend the other day said that congratulations were in order. That I and my roommates had been faithful stewards of what the Lord had give us. So He was blessing us with a new home...and more responsibility.

I feel the weight of that responsibility. I know that the Lord has called me and developed my heart through out my lifetime. I'm hopeful for these specific ways. Of course a lot of those involve food and community. But specific relationships. Mentors, accountability, outreach. I so clearly know that I am to be outward in this home. To use it over and over and over again to love others. I'm terrified. I'm anticipating. Change is coming. A new outlook. A new focus. I don't quite know. All I know is that I am to dwell. And dwell well.

untitled the third

2010-05-10T11:56:00.004-04:00

A prayer from the winter of 2005 (the beginning of my second to last semester of college):

Lord, what I desire for my life, what I want to do when I graduate is to have the greatest adventure of my life. I don't know if that entails traveling, marriage, kids, missions, camp, more school, "normal" job, ministry, I have absolutely no idea, but I know I want the adventure of a lifetime. I was Habakkuk 1:5 to be my cry for my future: "Look at the nations and watch and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe even if you were told." Lord, I know, I am confident that my future, my tomorrow, holds something utterly amazing. Something I wouldn't believe even if you told me now.

I stand here five years and a few months later...knowing the absolute faithfulness of the Lord over the past five years. He has removed idols from my fists, picked up the shards of broken dreams scattered around me. He has restored me. Refined me. Replaced lies with His truth. My hatred with His love.

I read this prayer and long for that faith once again. It's a faith that has been proven, yet when it comes to my future it is so hard to believe and just walk forward.

Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. And while I am absolutely sure of what I hope for, it is the second part of that definition that scares me. My future is not certain in what I hope for. Oh I want it so to be true. To be promised, but it isn't. And that makes faith so hard.

And yet He speaks. He speaks of an absolute. There is no maybe or what if. Only complete and total assurace that if I step off this cliff, and let go of that which I clutch, He will be there.

And I am terrified. To have nothing. What was seems safer, controlled, certain. What lies ahead is an adventure, but one I don't know if I am prepared to take. The Sarah of old thought she was adventurous, but the adventures she loved were ones that she could control. This one, stepping into the unknown with my heart resting in my open hands as a sacrifice is not controlable. It is not safe or sure or any words that bring any comfort.

Can I pray knowing that what lies ahead I would not believe even if I were told? And walk into the darkness knowing that it will not always be dark? And know that what now appears wholly bad is actually for my good?

Contentment Now

2010-05-04T14:06:00.003-04:00

As I dream about what life will be, I was challenged by a friend to compare my dreams and my hopes to what life is right now for me.

I dream of loving well, of feeding friend and stranger around my dining room table on a regular basis and with the exception of the family that joins me in those dreams, the truth of the matter is that I am living my dream.

In college, I came up with a mission statement of sorts for my life. I want my life to be about being an active part of supernatural transformation through the Holy Spirit. So lead on Lord, I'm following.

And as I have grown and matured, that has changed a little - only in that I know more clearly how and where I love to serve.

I'm still going to boldly beg the Lord to fill the unfilled places, but has He failed me yet? No.

I am completely and perfectly in the right spot right now...all that is missing is that it isn't Eden or Heaven. But there are countless reasons for contentment right now. I am where I am supposed to be. Doing what I am supposed to do. God is good.

dangerous

2010-04-26T13:09:00.002-04:00

In the last day or so, I've been rethinking dangerous. It didn't exactly stem from any one particular dangerous instance, but from conversations with precious friends about other things.

And I want to be dangerous.

I want to do dangerous things.

I want to dream dangerous dreams.

And then I want to chase my dangerous God.

And live His dangerously good life.

I never really though that dangerous would be staying in one place. The danger was living in the backcountry where I could only rely on what was in my pack or that I could collect from the land around me. Danger was living and traveling in foreign countries. Danger was nomadic.

I find myself discovering that my life here in DC is dangerous beyond my expectations. In choosing to stay here, to invest here, to love here, I have exposed the weakest, most susceptible to pain, part of me...my heart.

And as I've wrestled with how to live in this beautiful world of now and not yet, I'm so tempted to shut it down. Not necessarily to cut out people from my life, but to not let them in, and to quit caring about them. To say, "To hell with it all."

And yet the Lord keeps bringing me back to the very longing that makes me me. I want to love people well, feed them dinner, talk to them around a dining room table. I want community and hospitality to be a daily part of my life, to minister to broken souls by letting them see and partake in my own brokenness and Christ's redemption in it. I want my home, and quite honestly my very being, to be a place of rest for weary pilgrims in the little things of life spent walking (stumbling) towards heaven, even while making my own journey.

And I know more and more each day that living that way is the most dangerous way of all. I will get hurt. My heart has been broken more in my time in DC then any other period of time in my life. I will grow weary. It's tiresome to care and to let people care for me. I will be forced to change as I come face to face with my sin. And most of all, I must rely on the most dangerous of all...the God who was not too afraid to risk everything, He gave His Son, in order that I might live.

He is a God who rejoices in my dangerous living, who says, "That's my girl" as I live in the blurry line of crying out for my eternal home and fighting and loving a world determined to keep me playing it safe.

And He is a God who has been giving me dangerous dreams. It is more than okay for me to long for a husband who loves the Lord and desires to plant roots and welcome people into our lives and home. I can want to raise children in the city even though I know that it is hard given the schools and the price and the location and crime. I can want to try and feed people and share how I am weak and vulnerable I am in hopes that they will open up in similar ways and that we can walk together.

I'm learning that dangerous is hoping for those dangerous dreams even though I am terrified that they will never come to fruition. It is loving my neighbor even though he may never come to know the Lord. It is asking my God for my husband and family, knowing that I could end up being 60 and never been kissed. Dangerous is being fully present in these hopes and brazenly asking God to fill them...and then saying, "Your dangerous will be done."

Because if I have learned anything in this life, it is that His way, while all the more dangerous than what I ever imagined, is best.

Moving

2010-04-12T10:29:00.002-04:00

I'm going to be moving into a new house in a matter of days. And as excited as I am, I am also a little bit scared. I've lived in the house at 417 for the last 3 years and 7 months. It has not only been a house, but a home; my refuge in an often tumultuous city.

When I moved into this house on Labor Day 2006, I didn't know any of the people who would soon become so important to me. Amanda welcomed me in, and through her love and friendship and relationship with the J-House, I met a community...many of which I still count as friends today even though I am the only one who still lives in the same place...at least until Saturday.

Lindsey started as just a roommate in April 2007, and I now count her among my best friends. Through cookouts, lost jobs and job changes, boyfriends and breakups, nights vegging in front of the tv and outdoor adventures, and sharing the struggles and hope and realness of our own walks with the Lord, Lindsey has been there. She is a lifelong friend. And I am so thankful.

The seven other women I have lived with the past few years in this house have also made their mark on me, as I learned about myself and people. I am thankful for their influence and their love and friendship.

But more than anything, this home has been a source of community. The blessing of having wonderful neighbors in Liz, Miriam and Amy at 322, Caley at 304, Brittany and Laura at F and 7, even if only for such a short time, Matt just down the street, Rose at 12th and then a little further, Kelsey and Laura around the corner and the countless others that have lived within a few blocks of our home.

It is a joy of almost always having someone to walk home with from church, of running out of butter or sugar and having someone to turn to. To be able to wander through the snow storm at 2 am to a warm friend's home or to wake up early to work out with Denise Austin...I've grown up here more than I have any place in my life. I made little, mundane choices that have formed me into who I am today. The Lord has met me here in the kitchen, the patio, the living room.

I have not fed everyone I know at my house, but I have tried and still want to try. This is the home that at Thanksgiving we've had as many as about 60 (70 maybe?) people come over for dinner. There have been birthday parties, bands, s'mores, long talks in the cold on the front stoop and warm rain on the back patio on summer afternoon. There have been ribs dinners, dance parties, dessert, drinks, grilling, games, snowball fights and dress up. I have shared my testimony and heard those of my dearest friends. Prayed for others and been prayed over. I've mourned the loss of my grandfather in the living room amongst friends and was hopeful for what could have been by the front door.

Life was lived in this house. Community was real here. We've grown and grieved and rejoiced and truly lived life - sometimes as individuals but often times as a family. And it is the community and that family that the Lord has created in 417 that makes me so hopeful for 315. For a dining room table to once again be filled with people most nights of the week, and BBQs and Happy Hours in the back yard throughout the spring, summer and fall. I'm excited about a larger living room where more can gather on a Monday night for The Bachelor or any night to give testimony to our good God.

The fact of the matter is the Lord used 417 to reveal a part of my heart to me. My life in this world was created for community. I want to walk through life with people, and not just when my heart is overflowing with good things, but when my heart is broken too. I want friends and neighbors and strangers to break bread, to live life around a dining room table and catch glimpses of The Feast we all long for.

We live in this transient city, but each day it becomes less and less transient as we make choices to live here...to love here...for better or for worse as the Lord draws us toward heaven.

Risen

2010-04-04T09:50:00.002-04:00

I am so thankful that the Lord has brought me to a church that follows the liturgical calendar. The season of Lent - a season of preparation, of waiting, of longing, hoping that somehow, someway He will overcome - with its last days being Holy Week as we look more deeply into those final hours of our Savior's life. And finally, the anxious anticipation as we wait on Saturday night at Vigil for light to come out of darkness. For our Alleluias to come bursting forth in celebration.

I have never longed for Easter like I did this year. It was a long Lent. The forty days felt like four hundred some of the time. I think that the physical winter that DC was graced with, and the circumstances of my own life, made Lent feel as if it would go on forever. I wondered a few times - would Easter morning ever come?

Yet the songs and psalms and passages that point to resurrection have been the only thing that has been sweet to my heart. Those are the few moments these past few months that I could feel a little seed of hope in my heart, but in the midst of darkness all around, I almost couldn't believe that it would become any bigger than that.

This Holy Week, my battle took a dark turn. The darkness that I had been fighting off was suddenly overwhelming and darker. Satan, the world, and my flesh all seemed to say, "He is not good, Sarah. Nope not trustworthy. If you want something in this life, you better reach out and take it for yourself because otherwise you have no hope of receiving those things."

My little seeds of hope for resurrection, for a God that is good and loving and beyond what I see in this world, spoke oh so quietly. In my turmoil, I could barely hear their whispers, "God is good Sarah. Think about Good Friday. His Son...His precious Son...tortured and ridiculed...and crucified...for you." I could just make out these words, but I questioned trusting them. Could I really set all my hopes on the risen Christ?

So Wednesday, as I walked through the Stations of the Cross and listened to the descriptions of what He walked through, that He chose because He knew that this way, while painful beyond measure for Him, would save the lives of millions, including me. He knew me even then. I listened as Simon carried the cross for Jesus and gave thanks for the men and women who have carried my cross for periods of time these last few months when I could not bear the burden myself. I gave thanks for his incredible provision of love in those brothers and sisters walking with me.

On Maundy Thursday, I cried harder than I have in months, thinking about Jesus washing Judas' feet, of knowingly serving His betrayer, and continuing to walk towards the Cross. He was yelled at and questioned and beaten and horror after horror. And still He walked towards the Cross.

And on Good Friday - that is good only because we know that Sunday is coming - pounding the nails into my beloved. I crucified Him. And He died. Not some sort of quasi-death, but really died.

And Saturday nothing happened. He was in the tomb. All hope was lost. He died. My Savior is dead.

Saturday resonates with me. The darkness, the hopelessness, the all to strong of feelings that my God is not good. I forget about Sunday morning. I can only think about Saturday. And I put my God in a box. I say that the tomb is too strong. My circumstances are too impossible. You cannot work here to bring about new life in me. You died. You let a tomb defeat you. You've forgotten about me because you got stuck in that stinky, smelly tomb. And I have no hope.

It's been a long, long Saturday. And I came to Easter Vigil last night, hoping that I was wrong. That the resurrection that my heart hopes for will not just come as the historical event, but be real in my own life. God will save me. He will redeem me.

We enter the church in silence. It is dark. We listen to the words of our story...from the beginning, God was good. All that He created was good. And while our fall corrupted what was good, the story continues. He woos and calls and saves and does it again and again because His people, His chosen ones are so forgetful.

The conviction in my heart is real. I forget so quickly about all that He has done. My entire life is a testimony to the God who is good! Who has plans for me far beyond my imagination, who has never forgotten or mistaken or done any one thing outside of His perfect will for my life. And I cried as we read the stories, for they were my stories, of my fall, of my forgetfulness, of my turning away and worshipping the created instead of the creator.

And then from the silence comes the good news.

THE TOMB IS EMPTY.

HE IS RISEN.

Therefore I have hope.

You should have heard the church last night. The absolute and utter jubilation of the realization that He rose! You would think we were watching Butler beat Michigan State to go to the NCAA Championship game. But it was better than that. Death was defeated. Death died. I, and my brothers and sisters around me, shout, "Alleluia! He is risen." We scream and yell and clap our hands with absolute delight.

We have hope.

As David says in Psalm 43:5: Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

And as the songs that have been singing hope into my heart these days say: You made a way when there was no way...I feel a dead heart beating now, this revelation makes me want to shout, because Jesus has been sent, and everything is different. He has resurrected my heart from the grave.

He is risen. Easter morning is no myth. I am saved. And I can take part in His resurrection. He died for me. That I might live in the power and the hope of glory.

It's Easter morning. Today. And everyday.

Fighting to Live

2010-04-02T09:42:00.002-04:00

I am in a fight for my life. I don't have a terminal illness. I am not drowning in the Potomac, although I certainly feel like that sometimes. I am fighting off temptation - that which felled us in the first place. If God is good why did He allow the relationship to end? If God is good why am I not married? Why am I not moving towards marriage? If God is good why is He saying no right now and possibly for forever? And why is it so hard to press into the deeper magic that I know to be true - that God is trustworthy, good, loving, and worth waiting for His presence and His actions.

All of me is right here on the surface, I feel as if I could collapse into a puddle at any moment. Or if not a puddle, close my heart off into a heart of stone so I can stop feeling all these things. But even as I bawl so hard that I cannot breathe, or scream out to the Lord "Save me!" or just sit quietly begging for your presence, or any of the thousands of emotions that I experience within a day, I know that I am more alive now then I ever have been.

the prayers of my heart

2010-03-29T10:48:00.002-04:00

the words my heart are crying out. the words I can't seem to say myself.

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave You when...
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking I never leave...I never leave Your hands.
JJ Heller. Your Hands.

Fear not that the whirlwind will carry you hence,
Nor wait for its onslaught in breathless suspense,
Nor shrink from the blight of the terrible hail,
But pass through the edge to the heart of the gale,
For there is shelter, sunlighted and warm,
And Faith sees her God through the eye of the storm.

The passionate tempest with rush and wild roar
And threatenings of evil may beat on the shore,
The waves may be mountains, the fields battle plains,
And the earth be immersed in a deluge of rains,
Yet, the soul, stayed on God, may sing bravely its psalm,
For the heart of the storm is the center of calm.

Let hope not be quenched in the blackness of night,
Though the cyclone awhile may have blotted the light,
For behind the great darkness the stars ever shine,
And the light of God's heavens, His love will make thine,
Let no gloom dim your eyes, but uplift them on high
To the face of your God and the blue of His sky.

The storm is your shelter from danger and sin,
And God himself takes you for safety within;
The tempest with Him passes into deep calm,
And the roar of the winds is the sound of a psalm.
Be glad and serene when the tempest clouds form;
God smiles on His child in the eye of the storm.
Aphra White. The Eye of the Storm.

The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped.
Psalm 28:7

Confessions in the Darkness

2010-03-17T11:20:00.002-04:00

The world is dark. Even in my urban neighborhood where there is always some sort of light, it is dark. My house is quiet...each of my three roommates alseep in their own rooms, which essentially are their own little worlds. Within in the confines of our rooms we each can choose to be whomever we want to be. While group housing does provide for some sort of accountability, it only goes as far as I am willing to let people in.

And this is not just true for me and my house, but the same goes for my neighbors and my community. At the end of the day, they likely only know who I let them see. As a friend sings, "So I’ve landed here in a life of my own//And it’s only my own, no one else has to know what I’m thinking of//I’m a drink poured out on a countertop spread wide//Cause I can’t hold my shape with no one else to draw the lines."

And I have made the often terrifying to choice to be known - choosing to specifically let in a few women who I meet with in accountability one morning a week. It's been a slow walk as we build up the trust to let each other see each other in the realness of our mess. And then there is my mentor, who blesses me week after week with her prayers and love. And there are a fair number of friends who I delve deep with. Letting others into my insecurities, my doubts, my sin, and all the other junk that darkens my heart is hard, but the more difficult step for me is accepting their love and praise for that which Christ is in me. I have a hard time letting people love me. I stuggle with undeservedness (is that a word?), undesirability, and honest doubt that people can and do like me (and love me is an even harder pill for me to swallow.) Most of my ugliness is easy to show because for some reason, sharing that with others seems to validate the image I have of myself that I cannot be loved.

I am holy yet unholy. My very existence seems to profane the image that I am crafted after. And yet there is this man...this God...who I crucified...who had none of the sin and darkness that I have...and took all of mine - what I have done in the past 27 years and what I will do in the rest of my life - and bore it on His shoulders. His Father turned away from Him and looked at Me and said "I love you Sarah."

Is it audacious for me to say turn away and say, "You can't possibly love me! You can't possibly choose me! And there is no way you have what is best for me." I look at the story of my life and want to say that you cannot possibly know better, that your love cannot possibly be better than life and I want to run away...but I can't because your love is better.

Your love is better.

If I really believed that statement with all of my being, my life would be lived so differently.

So this is my confession.

One of many that I believe will come as the Lord walks me down this road to restoration.

Lord, help my unbelief.

ehhh

2010-03-10T16:13:00.003-05:00

I'm sitting at my desk at the end of a long day...however there is still about two hours until I get to go home. I have a lot of work that I could be doing, but my brain is so done with anything that really requires thinking. So...I'll just dump what is in my brain in hopes that I can clear it enough to work on a speech...

First off, these are some excellent thoughts that a friend passed along to me. http://stuffchristianslike.net/2010/03/2443/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+stuffchristianslikeblog+%28Stuff+Christians+Like+-+Jon+Acuff%29

This exchange in particular:

"God doesn’t give us solutions, he gives us a savior.

A lot of the time, I wish it was the other way around. To be honest with you, sometimes a solution feels more manageable. I can control and understand a solution. I can bend and tweak a formula to my own needs. Christ on the other hand, our savior, isn’t like that at all.

He’s messy. And counterintuitive and uncontrollable. Grace and mercy are two of the most puzzling things on the planet. They’re raw and unbridled and out of control and intertwined with love we can’t possibly understand or earn.

The Israelites wanted a solution. A solution that would remove their snakes. Instead they got a savior in God, the great healer, and the snakes kept biting.

The snakes will come for you. I wish they wouldn’t but they will. My hope for you and for me, is that in moments of poison and pain, hope and happiness, we’ll look for a savior, not a solution."

It immediately points me to a conversation of Paul's with the Lord..."Hey God, can you please get rid of such and such? It's really a thorn in my side. [Nothing happens.] Hey. You up there. I'm serious. Can you please remove this thorn? [Nothing happens...again.] Hey God! Creator of the World. Savior. God who did the impossible by raising the dead!! Will you please, please take away this thorn?. God responds, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9)

I don't know that I have ever been weaker in my life. Not because of any one event, but because of the culmination of event after event that has occurred, but at the same time I say that I am weak, I have never felt stronger in my life. Never.

I've also never known the Lord like I do now. Granted, it is barely anything. The more I know Him, the more I know that I am only beginning to plumb the depths that are Him.

So why does it take pain (more often than not) to bring us to this place of listening to Him. I think it is C.S. Lewis who says "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." (I think I am remembering that quote correctly...)

Why am I so deaf? Is it the world around me? Have I been so conditioned by the noise and my participation in it that He has to use pain to get my attention? How do I change? How do I still my heart and mind and condition my ears to hear the Father in His whispers?

I want to hear the whispers. There is something so wonderful about whispers. You know? Like when your best friend in 3rd grade would lean over and whisper a secret. Your brow is furrowed trying to concentrate and not miss a word, but your eyes are also darting everywhere to make sure that no one else gets close enough to hear. I want to share whispers with my King.

And why oh why is my faith so small? I've been told, a number of times throughout my life, that I have been given the gift of faith - an unnatural ability to just believe and to trust in the face of evidence to the contrary. I don't know if I see that in myself. I see a girl so full of questions and doubts and fears. I see me as Thomas saying to the disciples, when I see His scars and put my hand in His side, then I will believe. (Random side note, St. Thomas' Day as celebrated in the Anglican tradition is December 21, my birthday. Coincidence? No way.) I'm such a beginner in the faith. I want to move to maturity. Oh. Move me towards maturity.

I've been reading a lot of the writings of those who have gone before us. Francis Schaeffer. Whoa. Loving his book, True Spirituality. This quote especially: It is believing the specific promises of God; no longer turning our backs on them, no longer calling God a liar, but raising the empty hands of faith and accepting the finished work of Christ as it was fulfilled in history upon the cross.

God has given so many specific promises. I have pushed so many to the side saying, "Uh. Yeah right. You can't do that. But you're God so I'll keep believing in you in general, but as far as that part of my life is concerned I'll take care of it myself." Oh but these promises. They can be believed in even when my hands are empty. Especially when my hands are empty. To lift up my hands to physically put myself into a position of praise that raises my eyes to the Provider. To look to Him to fill my hands with Himself and fulfill these promises...because every promise He ever made was filled on that cross so many years ago. Every promise was met in that moment. Because a God who can defeat death can provide a life beyond my wildest dreams in a man who loves and fits and challenges me to dive into the depths of the Lord and to live in covenant together although we are imperfect, failed sinners; a job that uses my gifts and engages those around me, a community that sits around dinner tables and shares life with one another even if it is embarrassing, and to abide continually in the Father so that my life is a result of His whispers.

He promises me a life abundant. I sincerely hope that those things in that list are a part of his gift to me. I'm going to pray for them and ask for them and demand them and then say, "Your will be done." Because that is the promise I want the most. That His will is done in my life. He hasn't given me anything less than best yet. I don't expect Him to start that anytime soon.

So I'll weep through the pain. I'll long for the whispers. I'll pray for the life I want. And then I will lift up empty hands to embrace the promise fulfilled with praise in my heart and on my lips.

Sorry this was really long.

Help my unbelief

2010-03-09T15:23:00.003-05:00

I know that sooner or later I will look back on the past fifteen months and the last six weeks in particular and say that it was worth it. That every obstacle confronted with, every joy shared, every question expressed, every tear shed, a broken heart, a confused mind, overwhelming feelings, and just everything that has been a part of my life recently.

I know that this is for my ultimate good. God knows the plans He has for me. Me. Sarah. He knows them. Forward and backwards. All the little details. The big picture. All of it. And they are plans to prosper me and to give me hope and a future. And He wants me to call upon Him and pray to Him and He will hear me. He will hear me. And when I seek Him, I will find Him. I get to find Him. What a promise the Lord gives us through the prophet Jeremiah. What sweet words my soul absolutely needs to hear and hang on to.

Even though I know this, it is so hard to believe so much of the time. So often the prayer that stumbles out of my mouth is help my unbelief. Last night after dropping off a friend, I just cried and cried; begging that the Lord will send me His Spirit of belief. That I would truly believe that God has something better than what was ended. I have a very hard time believing that it is not only possible but that it is true.

He has my best at heart because that correlates with His ultimate glory. I wonder how that can possibly be? How can all these little and big things work out in such a way that it could be better, but it will. Oh Lord. Help my unbelief.

There's a tree outside my window...

2010-02-25T17:48:00.002-05:00

So there is a big beautiful tree outside my window, that has provided many wonderful blessing to me throughout the three plus years of living in my house. I like to watch it and measure the seasons by it, both the physical and my own seasons that don't actually have their timing the same way as the physical seasons do.

Anyway, there are buds on the tree. And that gives me hope. Hope for life to come...vibrant full abundant life.

I've had that in the past few months and I will have that again someday soon. But I am so thankful for the promise of life from seeming death that these buds hold.

Spring will come as the little green leaves grow, summer will be celebrated with the shade from the full tree, autumn enjoyed as the colors change, the fire pit is lit and the leaves ultimately fall. Friends will be near in all seasons, food will likely be plentiful, and most of all a community lives and eats and plays and talks under this tree.

God is healing my heart. Saving me from the cynicism that wants to creep in. Teaching me to abide. To live in such a communion that the fruit and leaves of my life and a direct result of Him speaking. And awakening me to the glory and good that is His way.

I'm loving the thought of the Lord calling the leaves forth. In Lewis' The Magician's Nephew, Aslan sings the world of Narnia into being. It is such a beautiful picture that moves me in the deep places of my heart. Aslan's voice changes for each of the different creatures and things he calls into life. Sometimes when I sit quietly and finally still my thoughts, I feel as if I too can hear the voice of my Father singing over me, calling forth this and that as He raises me to maturity, as close to completeness as I will be this side of heaven.

I love the voice of my Father, because I love my Father. My Father, who even in the throws of winter calls forth the little bitty buds on the tree outside my window, and who loves me and has good, God-ordained purposes for me. I love Him, not for gifts, not even for His people, but for Him. My Father.

I hate waiting

2010-02-19T14:03:00.003-05:00

Why, oh, why was my year of waiting and trusting not jsut a year? I really felt that the Lord gave me those words for 2009...and I saw that played out time and time again. And I ran everytime the thought came that waiting and trusting and extensive lessons in it would not end with the start of Advent, or my birthday, or Jan. 1. I didn't want it to be true. I wanted these lessons to be D-O-N-E-DONE!!

So in my flesh and in my humanness, I listened to what I wanted to hear...that this would be a year of space...and it may very well be. I do believe that I need to cut out many of the distractions in my life (gchat, facebook, tv) and take that time and spend it with the Lord. I do want to be with the Lord more and more each day and be changed because of time just spent in His glorious presence.

But I recognize in the words that the Lord continues to speak to me in scripture and through His people, that my waiting is NOT done...nor is my trusting.

And I wrestle time and time again, I just cannot seem to not wrestle with these two commands, I come back to the knowledge that God is worth waiting for and trusting in. I say it again, God is worth waiting for and trusting in.

I have all these doubts and questions and just overwhelmed at times with these two very clear commands. But at the end of the day, I know that monring comes. I know that the Resurrection occurs and that I am redeemed. And now He is asking me to walk in that redemption, not forgetting all the good and bad that has happened but saying as Paul said, I count it ALL as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus as my Lord. (Phil 3:8)

Jesus Christ is worth every day on this earth and countless more that I will never have. I do not have a enough of anything in this life to somehow deserve Christ. I don't deserve Him, but He chose me anyway.

And since I was chosen, I am asked to trust Him and to wait on Him. Oh the words of Isaiah 40:31 were such a sweet, sweet gift yesterday: but those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they will run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

If I wait for the Lord, I think that inherently means that I trust Him.

So, while I hate waiting. I will wait. And I will trust. Only because He is worth it...both in this lifetime and in eternity.

Disciples...Knowing vs. Faith

2010-02-14T17:39:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking about promises recently. God promised Abraham that he would have a child and father a nation and then God waited many years. He promised that nation, Israel that He would send a Savior and then He was silent for 500 years and then sent His son in such an unexpected way.

With Lent and Easter fast approaching, I've also been thinking a lot about Jesus's promise to His disciples about His resurrection (Matthew 20:18-19). He explicitly tells and promises His disciples multiple times that He would die and He would rise again.

And so I have been thinking a lot about all the promises that God has for me:

Plans to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11)

He hears my cries and pleas for mercy (Psalm 31: )

Keep in perfect peace (Isaiah 26:2)

Your word gives light and understanding (Psalm 119:130)

See the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living (Psalm 27:13)

You are near (Psalm 119:151)

He will make my path straight (Proverbs 3:6)

The effect of righteousness will be peace, the result quietness and trust forever. (Isaiah 32:17)

He'll care for me and provide for me. (Matthew 6:25-34)

I'll find Him (Matthew 7:7-8)

Filled with the Spirit (John 14:15-17)

Sorrow will turn into joy (John 16:20)

He has overcome the world (John 16:33)

He's coming back (Acts 1:11)

And those are just the promises I can think of off the top of my head. Scripture is filled with more and more promises.

Anyway. My point being is the disciples had to question those dark days between watching Jesus die on the cross, burying him and then a few days of silence. And then even though He told them that He would rise from the dead they were utterly surprised.

It's been a hard 13 months. There have been beautiful wonderful things in these 13 months, I'm not going to pretend or lie to myself that they have not been wonderful, powerful, awe-inspring, healing, good months, moments this year. But it has been hard. Hard as I wait, hard as I trust. It just has been hard.

Anyway, I think about these things and the silence and darkness of parts of them. But I think about all of this and I wonder about the disciples, and the Israelites, and Abraham and they had hard, dark days...and I'm pretty confident that they were harder and darker than mine. And the thing is all they had was faith that the Lord was going to fulfill these promises.

As the disciples waited those dark hours, they didn't know for sure. They had faith. They had hope but they had to have doubts. John lets us see some of Thomas' doubts. They waited and waited through the night without knowing that Easter morning would bring the resurrection.

Waiting in that dark room, with everyone else, thinking "what if?" And thinking "I trusted Him. He was supposed to save us." The wee hours of the night in any hard situation are difficult, but they are even harder when doubt creeps in. They didn't know for sure.

So I think about all this, I think about it and wrestle with it. And the fact of the matter is I know what Easter morning brings. I know Christ rises. Resurrection happens. I know. This dark is what it is...but the morning comes and with it the resurrection happens.

I KNOW. I know that the promise is fulfilled.

So as life happens. As I deal with the crap of life, I know that Christ will redeem it all. That resurrection happens. Easter morning is coming. Both in the calendar and in my own life.

Easter is coming.

Whole?

2010-02-09T14:03:00.002-05:00

I've been reading a lot of scripture lately and am utterly amazed at its beauty and relevance...and this is not an utterly new revalation, but certainly an appreciated one. And as I have cried out to the Lord the past few weeks what I am amazed about in his word is how much we are told to turn to him with our "whole" something - heart, soul, mind, understanding, etc.

And so I am left wondering, "How do I give my whole heart to the Lord? How do I trust in Him for everything...and not have some sort of back up plan? And if I am able to give my whole self, how do guard myself from disappointment when it seems as is the Lord has failed me?"

Because the truth be told, what hurts the most the past few days is having let my guard down, having let myself actually believe that God could and would provide and being disappointed. Why awaken this part of my heart that I have been so careful to protect and zealously gaurd only to break it so quickly?

And I know that the only place to run with these questions is to the Lord. I know that He is big enough to handle it. It has been such a sweet pleasure to run into His throneroom; to simply say God I cannot move or give wholly of myself without you helping me...making me...and just laying there...waiting for his grace and mercy to fill me...to redeem me.

This morning in Isaiah the Lord said: "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, "This is the way; walk in it." (Isaiah 30:19-21, emphasis added mine)

He longs to be gracious to me. He will make me whole. As soon as He hears me he answers me. He has already put into motion my healing...he did that long before He broke me. And He is doing it for his good purposes. A friend the other night said that she suspects that the Lord is giving me the desires of my heart, but that he is enlarging them also. So that when I look back on the past thirteen months I will want it no other way then the way that God has done. This is the only way to make my heart more like His because this is the only way to make my heart wholly His.

But for now, in these moments when it is hard He asks me just as He asked Gideon "Go in the strength you have...Am I not sending you?" (Judges 6:14) What little I have, I will walk in but it is enough because God is sending me and goes with me. He is the great storyteller, who knows not only the page that I am on, but all that come before and after it.

He is sending me.

He created me.

He redeemed me.

And He keeps his promises.

Holy! Holy! Holy! Is the Lord God Almighty. Who was and is and is to come. Amen.

OH.MY.GOSH.VERSION.II.

2010-02-04T16:54:00.002-05:00

I just signed up for another marathon. I might be crazy. Especially since I signed upfor two tri's on Monday. Maybe I deal with things out of my control by doing things I can control.

But Ellen and I are doing this one together too! I am so thankful for my dear friend...especially since friendship essentially began with signing up for that first marathon.

Ellen is one of the most amazing girls I know. She's adventurous, outgoing, always ready to pray or lend a hand. She's a fabulous traveler and loves a good margarita...and salt. But more than that, she has been an incredible encouragement these last two years (except we haven't even known each other that long yet.) She is someone that I am so happy to call one of my dearest friends.

Her encouragement, love, fun, and so many more reasons are just the beginning of the reasons I love her. And I love that the Lord is the one who completely made this friendship happen. So here's to you ellen!

Amazed by His Goodness

2010-02-02T14:36:00.002-05:00

I realize the past few posts have been pretty depressing. Sorry about that. For whatever reason this has been one of the better places to talk out some of my feelings.

In all of this, I have been utterly amazed by the Lord's goodness...even in the smallest details. Running into friends all over the Capitol just when I need someone to pray, previously scheduled lunches and events and trips for distractions, and such dear amazing friends who always seem to email, call, etc. right when I need them to...and say the things that my heart needs to hear and be reminded of.

I think though one of the most amazing pieces of goodness has been scripture, repeating truth to myself over and over and over again until I believe them not just with my head but with my heart. Scripture that speaks directly into my life and is so applicable. I'm thankful to be the daughter of a King and that I can run to him and just beg him to let me lay before the throne and just have his marvelous light surround me.

God is good. All the time.

I want to be like Job

2010-01-31T13:23:00.005-05:00

I want to be like Job. I realize that anyone who has read the Bible or heard the story of Job probably thinks this to be the most ridiculous statement ever. But I've been thinking about it for the past few days and it is I think one of the most true statements of my heart right now.

A friend emailed me this week and said "It will be your ability to deal with your emotions by continually bringing them to the Lord that is deeply good. I believe you have the ability to be Job and not his wife." And the more I thought on the statement, the more I wanted it to be true.

I don't like what happened this week, but I cannot change it. And I can tell the Lord that - I can tell Him my feelings and ask Him why. No matter what happens in life, in good and bad I want to be able to say with Job, "Blessed be your name."

In the pain of this current moment, in my non-understanding of it all - especially not understanding the Lord's hand in it all...I don't understand how the Lord did what He did. I don't get it. But again, I want to say with Job, "I know you can do all things, no plan of yours can be thwarted." God knows. God has a design.

I know that the cries of my heart are answered with an account of the wondrous works that the Lord has done. I see account after account of the Lord's good work both in scripture and in my life and the life of those around me.

When Job was confronted with the Lord's challenge, he responded in humbleness and repentance. That is the sort of believer I want to be. I want to take the good and the bad of life that is promised to come, this is a fallen world after all, and respond in humbleness and with repentance and most of all with praise. I want to praise Him.

Praise changes perspective. Points my eyes back to the sovereign God who can do all things and who has good plans for me. His purposes are good. He is a good Father who is making things work out for His glory and good - which also translates to my good.

So I want to be like Job. I want to be a humble and faithful servant. I want to be constantly praising Him. I want to be tuned into the Spirit and faithful to his prompting so that I can be His servant. I want to be like Job.

The Unknown

2010-01-28T09:58:00.003-05:00

I guess I have always been forced to live in the unknown. I mean, I had my ideas for my life and made plans and worked at making these ideas come to fruition. And many of them did.

I went to college...thought I was going to go to vet school. But God changed that plan. I worked at camp for four summers...thought I would do that full-time. But God changed that plan. I thought I would be on the Hill for a few years...but God changed that plan.

So much of my life has been about what is next and how do I get myself there. How to plan and work and figure out life to make it happen. And right now, I am sitting here. I hadn't really made plans for my future, but I had hoped in what could and would be. A good gift was given and I hoped for its success, but God changed that plan. And right now, I cannot see what is next, what is better.

I prayed since September that "thy will be done." That prayer doesn't change. But in it, I ask for grace, for mercy, to be enough for today. Enough to live in the unknown, enough to trust my heavenly Father who has always been enough, who has the sight to know what I need this day, next month, and next year.

So today. I will live in the unknown. In its pain, sorrow, and in its joy. It's been a long year, with its ups and downs, twists and turns. Oh I don't my story, so far I can only read today's page, but I know and trust my storyteller.

For what is unknown to me is known to Him. And in Him I can trust and rest. My unknown is safe in His hands.

Even Then

2010-01-27T11:42:00.002-05:00

Heartache happens in this world. There is no avoiding it, there was no making it easier. But even in heartache and trouble I still have hope. God is bigger than this world. He is mightier than evil. His word is truth and it never fails.

A friend told me this morning: True hope does not deny current suffering; it merely points out that this not the end of the story.

Heartache happened. My story is not over. My Jesus walks with me. His story is mine. His resurrection is mine. I can grieve and rest in the hands of a loving Father. I am His. He has good things for me. I say with David, I would have despaired unless I believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord. Be strong and let your heart take courage. Wait for the Lord. (Psalm 27:13-14)

Goodness will be seen in my lifetime. Shoot it is being seen right now...in the heartache.

Four Years

2010-01-12T09:14:00.002-05:00

As of today, I have lived in Washington D.C. for four years. FOUR YEARS!!!! That is a "normal" college career for lots of people. Not only is it four years in DC, it is four years on the Hill. I never would have thought I would stay on the Hill this long, but I have...and not only that won't be too surprised if I stay another four years...but I'm open to whatever God has for me.

The loneliness of that first year was, looking back, such a sweet gift. It pushed me to the Lord, taught me to trust Him, although that is still a lesson I learn over and over and over again. Below is my thoughts the day that I moved here. But first a cursory glance at my four years in the city.

2006
Moved here, lived in all three of the homes that I have lived in since moving to the city. Started in intern housing in Crystal City with 5 other girls whom I had never met and quickly loved, then off to Ballston for the summer in a group house, and finally moving into the 417 with Amanda in September. Found Rez, settled at my job, saw the Republicans lose the House and Senate, and struggled to find my place here.

2007
Lindsey joined us at the 417, I went to Rwanda, my sister got married, I found my friends, Gmail Girlzzzz (yes. Girlzzz, with Z's), spent hours on gchat and 100-emails-long chains, Amanda got married, several of my closest friends met their husbands to be, began leading a Rez group, started spending time with Mandy, Amanda got married and moved out, many dinners at the J-House. Started looking for a new job, contemplated leaving the city, Snow Hill, Newcomers' Dinners, pre-gaming the salsa party, and life was full.

2008
Got a new job (Finally!), learned a lot in relation to that, decided that I should run a marathon and therefore lots of running, lots of new friends from the Rez group, weddings! weddings! and more weddings!, deep conversations, growth, IPC, Thanksgiving Potluck, joy, Congressional Baseball Game, presidential election, lost jobs, crazy birthday and loving life here.

2009
Marathon, triathlons, knee surgery. Goodbyes, way too many goodbyes, some hellos, babies (not mine), meals with families, getting to know Laura, trips, inauguration, tears, trials, deep friendships, prayers, community, healthcare (and more than I could ever want), new friends, dancing, new experiences, full circle. God is good.

2010...year five...a year of faithfulness and who knows what else this year will bring.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

So I am here. It is so much harder to actually take this step than it was to talk to about it. I cried or at least teared up at any mention of leaving. This is just so much different than anything I have ever done before. I am not surrounded by those who love the Lord serving kids and family, I am not on a campus filled with university students that include tons of friendly faces, my closest friends are now miles and miles away and I am the mercy of a cell phone to talk to them.

I am afraid but I know that God is bigger than my fear and can handle my fear. I give Him my fear and aspirations and cling to the only hand that is capable of guiding me. Lord move in this place. Make me strong, make me bold, make me humble. I want to do your work.

Marathon!!!

2010-01-11T10:06:00.004-05:00

Last year. At this very moment. I was running my first marathon. And I loved it! Definitely one of the major highlights of 2009 and being 26. One of my dear friends and fellow runners and I were talking this morning about it, and we've basically committed to signing up for another one. We're ready to run again!

Running through Magic Kingdom!

Yay! We finished!

For now though I have to rehab the knee. Now that surgery was a month ago, I'm slowly getting out there on it. Some walking, a little cycling (when it is not FREEZING outside!), and some deep water running to build the muscles back up. I can't wait to actually run again!

Four Years Ago...Tomorrow

2010-01-08T15:50:00.002-05:00

My four year anniversary will be here on Tuesday. But on January 9, 2006. I wrote the below post. It's amazing to know just how much the Lord has changed me in the past four years. This city is far from terrifying...it is home. I love the people who have become my family, my community. Life has been found here.

I will certainly reflect more on all those things on Tuesday, but for now, this is where my heart was four years ago. Scared that somehow God would not meet me in this new place, that I was missing His purpose for my life. What a glorious reminder that I cannot screw up God's plans for my life. That's a good lesson these days.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Terrified.

Absolutely terrified.

I don't really like admitting it, but it is true. In less than 3 days time I am moving, to a city where I am just another face who will either live up to my potential or won't.

Please pray for me as I go, pray for the people that I will meet, pray that I would love them. Isaiah 61:1-4 has really been the scripture laid on my heart for these four months. I beg you to join me in prayer to pray specifically for those who are held captive by the things of this world.

May I not be.

Reflections. Revelations. Resolutions. Resurrection.

2010-01-05T10:31:00.003-05:00

I finally finished looking back on my journal entries from the past year. It was a bit of a wreck. But from it, comes new life. As one of my favorite singers sings, "everything worth keeping, comes from dying."

The Lord would not have spent this last year with me in the dark places had it not been purposeful. And now as I look ahead to this year of life, it seems certain that His call is to be faithful. To walk out these lessons of the heart in real life. To live the life He resurrected.

I died last year. Time and time again the Lord required my death. Required that I surrender my will and ways in order to have Him. Him! Him who heard my cries, collected my tears, and comforted me, but still said, "Sarah...my way is painful, but it is best. Trust me."

So this new year, a year of faithfulness, a year of space. Because try as I might, I have no idea what the future holds. And that really scares me. And yet He who has called me is faithful. He will do it. And I know that He is trustworthy. So all I can do is pray, trust, love and walk. One step at a time. One day at a time. Turning my fear and anxieties over and into thankfulness.

God is with me, no matter what happens this year, when I look back at the end, He is with me. Every step. Every day.

Reflections on my 27th Year

2009-12-19T12:04:00.002-05:00

I will celebrate my 27th Birthday on Monday. I have always seen 27 as a terrific sort of age. The combination of old enough to have gained some wisdom, but not so old as to be in my 30s. (Not that I think the 30s are old anymore.)

I think I have loved the idea of being 27, especially in the last few years, stems from my love for the 27th Psalm.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation—
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold of my life—
of whom shall I be afraid?

2 When evil men advance against me
to devour my flesh,
when my enemies and my foes attack me,
they will stumble and fall.

3 Though an army besiege me,
my heart will not fear;
though war break out against me,
even then will I be confident.

4 One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.

5 For in the day of trouble
he will keep me safe in his dwelling;
he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle
and set me high upon a rock.

6 Then my head will be exalted
above the enemies who surround me;
at his tabernacle will I sacrifice with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make music to the LORD.

7 Hear my voice when I call, O LORD;
be merciful to me and answer me.

8 My heart says of you, "Seek his face!"
Your face, LORD, I will seek.

9 Do not hide your face from me,
do not turn your servant away in anger;
you have been my helper.
Do not reject me or forsake me,
O God my Savior.

10 Though my father and mother forsake me,
the LORD will receive me.

11 Teach me your way, O LORD;
lead me in a straight path
because of my oppressors.

12 Do not turn me over to the desire of my foes,
for false witnesses rise up against me,
breathing out violence.

13 I would have despaired unless I believed
I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

This Psalm is by far my favorite scripture, especially the final two verses.

13 I would have despaired unless I believed
I would see the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living.

14 Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.

More than any year of my life, have these verses been true. I would not be able to stand this year if the Lord had not hid me in his tabernacle. I would not have been able to know him like I now do if not for seeking His face. But most especially I cannot imagine the pits I would have visited if not for the hope, even though it was little at times, the hope that I would see the Lord, that I would taste his goodness once again...and not just in eternity...now in my lifetime.

I just had to wait. And waiting is hard. And there were many days that I did not want to wait. That I tried my hardest to arrange life with my own hands. And failed. But finally He stilled my hands, finally I waited and the riches I received as a result of waiting are beyond measure...because it was His presence I received. His face that I looked into.

I'm looking forward to the celebration of this year. And look forward to whatever is in store for my 28th year.

Jumble

2009-12-01T10:08:00.002-05:00

Today would have been my grandparents' 53rd wedding anniversary. That just amazes me. And their love for one another was so evident. My grandfather, who was not one for tons of emotion, would regularly tear up when talking about my grandmother and about how much he loved her. God is good.

I love having people in my home. The only reason I can really think of to make lots of money in this life is so I can feed people for free. To have people over to dinner and sit around a dining room table and break bread together. I want to live life with people sharing joys and heartaches and minister to them at the table...feeding their bodies and their souls by just being authentic and opening my life to them too.

Thanksgiving was a great time. We had people over for our traditional potluck. Lindsey and I dressed as Native Americans. And I just enjoyed being with people. And then Thursday getting to prepare food, and share was just good. Plus seeing the Aggies put up a hell of a fight was nice too.

I'm excited it's December. Many of my favorite things are in this month...Advent, my birthday, Christmas. And I don't know. I am feeling hope again. And not just feeling it. I have it.

This month is also filled with good people. Getting to see Ellen, and the Bookers, going to Texas. But even just the people that are here in DC and a part of my life. I love seeing them and celebrating this season of anticipation and expectation with them. I love life with them.

And with the end of this month, marks another year spent in this city. A city I was never supposed to stay in, was never supposed to be home. But it is home. It has been as close to my eternal home as I can ever get. I've caught little glimpses here of heaven. My heart has been refreshed time and time again by my community. We are a body. We share our joys and sorrows.

Who could have ever thought that four years would go by so quickly? I can't imagine four years anywhere else. And I looking forward to however many more years there are in this place.

untitled again

2009-11-23T14:31:00.003-05:00

I am really excited about the season of Advent. It is far and away my favorite season of the year. Something about the anticipation, preparation and expectation of the return of our Savior. And something about hearing and resting in The Story - the redemption and the fact that He knew how He would save us long before He did.

I'm experiencing redemption in my own life. It's been a long time coming. But the months of October and November have really been phenomenal. Painful. Yet full of Jesus. I can't contain this desire to worship Him. To lay before the throne and sing with all of heaven "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty." I can't help myself. I'm so thankful for His presence - that He is filling me.

I am in awe of His work right now too. His answers to prayers with what I need and not with what I think I want. The new women in my life - oh I am so thankful that the Lord makes space in my heart for new friends. And that I can adjust to long distance relationships with old ones. That life is changing. And that I am changing. That little by painful little bit, He is changing me. Refining me. Helping me to rely on Him. To stand on the rock. To pant and hunger and want Him.

Waiting and trusting. I didn't want either of those things to be the lessons that I learned this year. Yet, the thing about waiting and trusting is the expectation that there is something worth waiting and trusting for. I've forgotten that for so long. Jesus is worth waiting for. He is worth trusting in. Not only for His good gifts. And not even first for His good gifts. For Him.

Prayer Answered by Crosses

2009-11-05T16:50:00.004-05:00

I wish I was an artist because then I would meditate on the above phrase and just paint. I think there would be a lot of red, but I think a gold and silver too. It is actually the title to a hymn that John Newton wrote that I have referenced on my blog before. And I have never found that phrase to be more true than this year.

I finished a journal this year. It has 3 years worth of life in it. All exclusively DC, which is fun. But as I finished I kind of went back and read and reflected on life these past couple of years, focusing on this year. And I see that the Lord chose to answer my prayer to know Him more, to rely on Him more, to trust Him more. It was just through crosses. I've had to die to myself, time and time again this year on this journey to be restored.

And there is really no more to say than that one phrase. I think it sums it all up. Prayer answered by crosses. I couldn't ask for more.

But

2009-10-21T16:03:00.002-04:00

I feel like I am living in the 'but' right now. I realize that that sounds so wrong, but hear me out. I've living the but of Psalm 30:5b: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

While my weeping is not literally done by any means, I've reached the bottom (I hope). I'm at my wits end, I have nothing, totally nothing. But...I'm facing many of the places in my heart that I have run from for so long and those are not easy places to face, and even harder places to surrender, confess, and move on toward redemption with.

I can see the weeping and the sorrow of the past ten months - I won't diminish them, but I won't give them more power in my life than they deserve. God is bigger than every trial and tribulation. And now is a period of growing as a result of all of them. With the Lord's help, I will grow and learn from this storm.

I don't yet feel the joy of the morning, but I can see it. It will arrive. Morning comes eventually and with it, joy. And I'll be able to look at this year with thankfulness, with the knowledge of the other side, with a deeper understanding of the love of God because His love is the only way I am making my way through all of this.

The but isn't my favorite place to be, but it is better than the weeping. And it represents progress and hope.

I will not weep forever.

The night ends!

The sun shines!

Jesus saves!

And joy comes in the morning.

Amen.

ughhh

2009-10-15T14:16:00.002-04:00

I hate waiting. And trusting. Seriously. I feel like back in December/January that the Lord gave me a word for this year: that this year was about waiting and trusting the Him. Not exactly my favorite theme for my life for any amount of time.

But through situation after situation this year, that really has been the theme. Try as I might, I cannot find other words to describe these times. And I know that waiting is a good thing, and I know that trusting Him is even better, but damn if it isn't hard.

I find myself in this state of flux, which for me has led to lots of emotions, and questions, and scripture and yelling at the Lord for answers to my "Why???" Only to hear as Job did: "Where were you when..."

This morning in my time with the Lord I read this prayer: O Father of all mercy, into Your hands I abandon myself. Do with me whatever You will. I ask no more than this. O my God, I trust in You.

Oh how I want these words to be more than words. I want to know Him in the depths of all who I am. Lord help. Help!

Looking Back

2009-10-05T17:21:00.002-04:00

I've been studying 1 John with my mentor this last few weeks, so I've gone back and listened to sermons from my sophomore year of college when Grace was studying 1 John. Listening to those sermons, reading my notes, reading my journal from that year, takes me back.

That year was a year of instrumental, huge change in my life. A lot of that had to do with the radical experience I had with the Holy Spirit that summer, and then Dwight's teaching on 1 John that year was so appropriate, the new friendships with other serious believers. And quite honestly, my heart was ripe for growth.

I am in a similar place now...so much has gone on and my heart is ripe for change and for healing. I've got to trust that the Lord will not lead me into the Valley of Shadows without a plan to lead me out. He is also with me and will fight with me and for me.

I know one thing, looking back on this time in my life. I will be able to say with confidence that the Lord is good and that He cared for me and molded me more into His daughter.

Untitled

2009-10-01T16:35:00.002-04:00

We're not exactly doubing that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
C.S. Lewis

I don't know that there is really much more to say than that. I was looking through old emails last week, and one that I got from a friend right after the marathon said that she thought that 2009 was my year. I think, well I know, that I thought that this year as well. And not that it is not, it just looks WAY different than I ever imagined.

John Newton wrote this hymn:

I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

It was He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.

Yes, more with His own hand,
He seemed,Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low."

Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."

And man, do I think it fits what this year has been. I want to know him more, I want to look more and more like Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to be the woman that He has called me to be and walk in His path for His glory.

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. And facing myself...facing these deep places in my heart, that I have hidden from myself and the world is not going to be pretty...or easy.

I can question all I want, but the Lord does not promise me answers to "Why?" He promises me Himself. And even as I walk this road, I cannot make Him love me more. Becoming "better" does not create more love. Maybe I will receive it better, but there will not be more of it. And I cannot make myself better. The Lord has to heal me. I know He wants to. I don't think all these things would be happening right now if He was not trying to get my attention - to start me down this path.

Oh Lord. Let me depend on you. Even though that is really, really hard.

A Wild Dance

2009-09-14T10:45:00.002-04:00

I couldn't sleep last night. Every couple of hours, I would wake up and then lie awake for a little while. I thought about a myraid of things - prayer, how sore I was, how much I loved my friends, work, future, everything that I needed to do this week. Finally at a little after six, I gave up and pulled out my Bible. I then fell asleep for an hour and woke up to my iPod playing a Waterdeep song that I love.

The refrain goes:

I will not forget You are my God, my King
And with a thankful heart I bring my offering
And my sacrifice is not what You can give
But what I alone can give to you
A grateful heart I give,
A thankful prayer I pray,
A wild dance I dance before you.
A loud song I sing,
A huge bell I ring,
A life of praise I live before You.

And I thought long and hard about a wild dance before the Lord. Just the sheer joy of being completely uninhibited and completely abandoned to all my Lord. Of just praising Him with all of my mind, all of my body, all of my soul, all of my strength, all of me. And the beauty of those moments of complete, sweet, surrender is life as it is was meant to be.

And the more I thought about it, I realized two things.

The first: I think the reason I like racing so much is much like Eric Little (man who's story is the movie Chariots of Fire), I feel God's pleasure when I do. I'm not fast by any means, but I truly feel as if this is what I was created to do. Running, swimming, biking, is in and of itself, praise to my Savior for creating me, for making my body able to move and do these things. And it is an act of worship.

Second: I realized in this year, I have forgotten to praise God. I think I thought for some stupid reason that I had nothing to praise him for. That he was taking things from me and therefore deserved not to be praised. But that is an absolute lie. God always deserves to be praised. And my life is to be a constant outpouring of that praise.

Even in the maybe five hours since this thought, it has been a powerful thought to praise him. It is the only thing that I have to give him is my praise. And it gives me so much joy, that reckless abandonment to chase my God and King for all that He is.

Lots of Thoughts

2009-08-30T23:00:00.002-04:00

I have probably ten different thoughts in my head right now. Here we go:

1. I hate goodbyes. They stink. I said goodbye to two more friends this week. And there are neat new people. But starting over is hard. New friends are just that new. And too many changes all at once. Granted they are nothing like my dear friend Caley is going through, but my heart is heavy as I process a bunch of things.

2. I love the Eastern Shore. I love driving down it. Especially with just mellow music. Provides time to think. I never thought Maryland would have cornfields. But it does and it is therapuetic to my soul. Something about life in a small town or on the road just speaks about peace and allows my thoughts to just go here and there. And I need that sort of space to think.

3. I like space. I am having a hard time with that right now. New roommates are good. But they are new. And I have to figure out how to share space with them. And it is hard. Especially when I am in need of space to think and process about other things that are on my heart.

4. I want to be married. And I think that that is my calling. But why do I have to wait? I mean, I know God is walking both me and my husband through who knows what so that when we do meet (finally!) our lives will complement and encourage one another that we might honor the Lord better. But I'm tired of waiting and feeling like I am left behind as all my other friends get married. But at the same time I long for marraige. I am so happy single right now. The time and space I have had to do all sorts of things has been so good. So right. But I want to meet someone.

5. The leper says to Jesus, "Lord if you are willing you can heal me." Can I say that to Jesus? Can I say, " Lord, if you are willing you will heal me from my messed up views of myself, of family, of relationships, of sin, of selfishness." The thing is, if I ask that I have to have faith that he is willing and will heal me. And I don't know if I have that. I know that he is supposed to complete the good work He began in me, but I am having a hard time with that right now.

6. Jacob wrestled the angels. I'm to worn out to even fight. Lord, I need you to revive me.

7. I am having a hard time reconciling how to love those more unfortunate than I am. I pray for them and my heart breaks for them, but I don't know how to love them.

8. This question of how to love those unfortunate than me stems from this question I run into at work all the time. How do I show my appreciation for those that do thankless job in the Capitol - our custodial staff, the carpenters, etc.? Because I am so thankful for them. And I smile and say hello and say thank you, but that seems so inadequate.

9. This world is not enough. Oh how I feel this ache that this world is not enough. That I am an alien, stranger in this world. And that it will never be right. It will never be the way it was meant to be this side of heaven. And how can I express that? How can I help people to see that this world is not fulfilling our deepest needs.

10. Healthcare. I just think about this a lot in general. There has got to be a way that is not HR 3200. And there should be an opportunity for us to come up with something better. Because there is a better way.

And I actually have more thoughts, but we are going to leave it at that for now.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

2009-08-10T10:11:00.006-04:00

My sister announced that she is pregnant. A dear friend from college announced she is pregnant with her third child. Both really wonderful events, but definitely made me think about my life and where I am at for a few minutes.

I'm not anywhere near having children. Hell. I'm really not anywhere near dating someone. And the realization that our worlds are much farther than the 1200 miles that separates DC from Texas hit hard. Ten years ago, I never would have imagined that I would not be married by now and possibly having children. Really, even five years ago, I thought I would at least be moving toward marriage.

It sometimes sucks that I'm not really moving toward marriage right now. I'm jealous of my friends who are moving in that direction or are already there. I sometimes question what is wrong with me that I am not there. But even though I want marriage and want a family, I have to admit, I really, really love my life right now.

I love my job. Yes - I work long hours, talk more about healthcare than I ever thought possible, research, read, write, prepare, ask questions, take meetings. I love it. I see purpose in this fight. I care about what happens.

I love the space I have in my life to pursue new things. The marathon, triathlon and grad school are all things that would have never happened if not for this freedom that I have. And these are things that have been or will be huge in my life.

And the people that I have been able to pursue has been phenomenal. Families, other young women, work colleagues, etc. It has just been a really neat time of getting to know and building my community.

And I thought about the things that I have done in my short little life. In the three and a half years that I have been here, I have had an opportunity to do and be a part of incredible things. Both eternal in nature and temporary.

But the thing that stood out most during this mini-evaluation of mine was this. God answered my prayers. I asked for a future far beyond my imagination. I wanted something that was wholly Him. I wanted an abundant life. He has provided. And provided supernaturally.

Even in this contentedness, I have not forgotten that this world is still not quite right. I wasn't created for here, nor will any of these very good things some how right this fallen world. But I feel so surprised that in this moment (and quite honestly for the last few months), that I can be fully here and anxiously awaiting my Savior's return and perfecting of this imperfect world.

Racing Revelations

2009-07-27T17:33:00.002-04:00

I finished my first triathlon this morning. In the course of less than a year I have competed in five races - a 10K, two 10 milers, a marathon, and now a triathlon. I have been at far different levels of training for each of these races, and each has been a very different experience, but I have loved every race. I have learned so much from each one - about myself, about people, and about my Lord.

I came into the race today, incredibly unprepared. My training has been fairly non-existent (just ask my roommates!). The last few months of my life have been overwhelming. My job consumes more and more of my life, although this has not been a bad thing. I love my job, but I spend far more than 40 hours a week at it, to say nothing of the additional hours that I think, research and talk about it. These last few months have also been filled with changes that have sapped my strength - my grandfather's death, a special family's move, housing, and the departure of dear friends to new cities or stages of life have left me hurting and lonely. There have been several additional burdens this year, that in and of themselves would have been manageable, but this year have served only to push me down. I can't deny that the past few months have been a bleak pit; one that has been so deeply disheartening because this year began with so much hope.

So this morning, I entered the water and swam to the starting line. I swam 500 meters, often bumping into people, looking up frequently to see if I was going in the right direction, and often gasping for breath. I wasn't the fastest swimmer, but I wasn't the slowest either. My hands finally touched ground and I stood up and jogged towards the transition area to grab my gear and bike, thankful that my arms would get a rest.

I enjoyed the ride, passing some people and being passed by people, mainly enjoying the green fields and blue sky around me, and the relative silence, both around me and within me. I transitioned from the bike to the run, tired but still full of adrenaline because this was a race - I had people cheering for me, I had compatriots running with me, and most of all I had a finish line ahead of me.

There were hard moments during the run, but people periodically handed out water and cool rags, I was encouraged by and encouraged other racers, and had a smile on my face for almost every step of that run. And it was during this portion that I had this revelation.

Life is a race.

And I'm competing in it.

And as I ran today, I thought, how sometimes the race is hard. Just as in my race today, there are times that I get bumped, when I have to look around to find my way. I have to change disciplines. I have to just run and I have people who cheer me on. Sometimes, I think about stopping, but I never really consider it because something inside of me continues to drive me forward. These past few months, I have wanted to give up. To just live life without regard to my heavenly finish line because I was tired of the heartache and calling out to a God who seems to have turned a deaf ear to me. But the Spirit inside of me continued to move me forward through dear friends praying for me and walking with me when I didn't have the strength or desire to do it myself. They gave me that smile, the "good job," the water and cool rag that I so desperately needed in order to continue.

You see, each race has been a new obstacle, yet each prepares me for the next one. Sometimes I run 26.2 miles, other times, I swim, bike and run, sometimes I'm really prepared, so 10 miles is a breeze, and other times I haven't run in several weeks and I just have to settle for an easy jog. Each race has its hardships, but every single one has been filled with an inexplicable joy of overcoming who I naturally am and becoming someone new...a runner, a marathoner, a triathlete, a new creation.

And I continue to press on - often challenged, often encouraged - but with the joy of knowing that I am not racing alone, that there are people along the way and that there is a finish line. And I will cross it one day, straight into the arms of my heavenly Father, having been my biggest fan and constant support mile after mile. And while on this earth, I run for medals and t-shirts, in life I'm running for thirteen words: "Well done good and faithful servant, enter into the joy of your Master."

And that's a prize beyond measure in the race of my life.

Pity Party

2009-07-21T14:25:00.002-04:00

Today was kind of the last straw in a coming pity party. Life has been a little overwhleming lately. I work a lot, the house, training, friends moved or are moving away or getting married or having babies so all those relationships changing, emotional and spiritual stuff in my own head and heart, and things just generally being out of control. And through it all the Lord has been seemingly silent and still and not involved, but in the same breath, I haven't really been reaching out to Him either.

This year began with a lot of hope and promise. The last few weeks of last year and the first few months of this year were so rich and so full and just good. There is not a doubt in my mind about the Lord's presence in my life during that time. But then life began to just fall a part around me, at least it appeared that way to me. And I could see the Lord in it all during the first few months of this, but as of right now, I see Him less and less. And believe that He cares less and less.

And deep down I don't really believe those last two statements. God is here. I know that. But it is hard right now.

And getting harder. I got in a freaking car accident this morning. And that just pisses me off more. I want to yell at God, "Don't you care?? Aren't you looking out for the little things??"

So here I am totally overwhelmed with absoutely nothing left. Not sure where to go from here, Except to maybe my pity party.

Two sides of me

2009-07-18T17:52:00.000-04:00

I am sitting here reading the 1026 paged manager's amendment that makes up the House Democrat's Healthcare bill. Not exactly what I want to be doing on a Saturday, but such is my life...now.

Four years ago, I never would have guessed that I would be here, working in Congress, on healthcare issues and love it. I mean, seriously, Renee still refers to me as her 'hippie friend,' who now wears suits.

Anyway, I'm listening to my ipod as I read and George Strait's song "How 'bout them cowgirls" comes on. And he mentions a girl breaking colts in Steamboat Springs or baling hay in Abiliene. And the fact is I could be that person. Yes, I have fallen in love with this city life. I like walking most places, I love the diversity, my tight living quarters, the tons of young people, the collection of people from all over this world. I love the restuarants, the culture,the night life, and the freedom that I have here.

It's a freedom that has allowed me to figure out who I really am without the stipulations of everything that once defined me. Here I began as Sarah. Those passions and other things in me that never had a chance to really flourish have now grown and helped define who I am. Not that who I once was has been completely abandoned, but the person who I was afraid to be because of the judgement I feared from those I love has arrived.

And while I know I could still be that girl in the mountains or on a horse, I know, beyond all doubts, that who I am now is who I was always meant to be. And with I will embrace the changes the Lord continues to have for me as He molds me more and more to his likeness.
I didn't ever really expect to be the city girl, but I have to say I love who I have found her out to be.

Do Do Do Do You Have It?! GUTS!

2009-06-26T09:32:00.002-04:00

I must admit, I was definitely a fan of this great Nickelodeon game show as a child. In fact they had one show that had a rodeo segment. It was always my favorite. However, today I have a different question of who has guts? And although I don't normally go political here, today, I have to.

You see today, we are voting on one of the most financially irresponsible pieces of legislation ever to come to the Floor. Cap and Trade is on the floor today and honestly don't believe what the news or the President is telling you on this one. This bill does not do what it says it does. It will cost billions of tax payers dollars, it will send jobs overseas, it will make your electricity prices go up, your food prices go up. In a few small words, it will screw you. And not only will it do that, it is not going to do a damn thing about lowering our global temperature. It MIGHT in 50 years lower the world temperature by less than 1 degree.

So who has the guts. There are so squishy people on this vote. For the most part they are the Blue Dogs who are a group of lawmakers whom I have a lot of respect for...but that can all change. You see they have said they are opposed to spending billions in this bill, but will they actually stand for what they and vote the way their district wants them to. Because let's face it. Each member is responsible to their district, not Pelosi, not the President, to the men and women who live in the district they represent. Let me tell you. So of these Congressmen are about to pull the most chicken move of their careers.

I hope they prove me wrong and have the guts to stand up for what it right. Because the fight doesn't end here. There is still a healthcare fight ahead. And I promise you - after reading 852 pages of the health care proposal - I promise you, it's a load of crap too.

So here's to the fight ahead. I hope people have the guts to do what is right, not for themselves, but for the people they represent. Because this is not about me.

He makes all things good

2009-06-08T17:36:00.003-04:00

The lovely scripture in Romans has never been near the top of my favorite scriptures list. Something about people saying "Don't worry, God works all things for good." just irks the mess out of me when I am struggling through something. Don't get me wrong - I believe it to be true, but I don't really like being reminded of it during the nitty gritty.

In spite of this dislike, the saying has become my mantra the last few months as I trudge through some less than terrfic times. I know that life gets better. This is not a permanent state of affairs. And I see the hand of the Lord in it now and see that He is changing me and making me more and more into the woman He has always intended me to be.

In the past few weeks, however, He has been incredibly generous to let me taste some of those good things now. Eating dinners with families from church, playing with their kids who love on me and call me Miss Sarah, getting to spend quality time with old friends, losing myself in a book, seeing new ministry opportunities arise, and just all sorts of other terrific things have given my heart hope to keep holding on to the One who will carry me through.

Especially poignant was driving home from a family's home on Saturday night. I had just spent six hours with them hanging out with Laura, playing with the kids, dinner with all four of them, and then just talking with Aaron and Laura. My heart was full and encouraged. As I was driving Caedmon's Call's song "There is Reason" came on and it repeats that line over and over again. But it just reminded me that He is doing good things, He shows them sometimes, but sometimes I don't see them 'til later down the road. But regardless the truth stands - He makes all things good.

stream of conciousness

2009-06-02T09:01:00.004-04:00

Another friend had a baby yesterday - that makes three in the past three weeks and eight(maybe nine? I can't remember exactly) in the past year. And I am so far from marriage and children that it makes me laugh.

A friend of mine sings a song that has a little line that goes a little like "married friends are easy to talk to but hard to expound." And I feel that sentence. I love my married friends, but because of the nature of a covenant relationship, our relationship had to change when they got married. And they way I see it, they can and will change, but within parameters because there is someone else who now helps to define them. And eventually there are children that also force them into being who they are and maybe its because that is who they are and who they were always meant to be.

I know that I am not yet who I should be - right now the Lord is revealing and putting me on a path to deal with a lifelong sin. The thought of opening these wounds and coming face to face with it scares me and makes me cry and want to curl up in a ball. Yet I see the Lord on the other side of it. And frankly, I cannot continue to grow spiritually unless I do.

I have been thinking a lot about what defines me. How who I have known, what I have done, where I have been make me who I am. But the thing is I could move away from people I know and start all over and be someone totally different. In theory I am accountable to my community, but right now I answer to myself. And I like that. I like that a lot, but I don't know.

Anyway. Those are a bunch of random thoughts this morning. In no particular order and for no particular reason.

Chacos: Heels :: Shorts: Suits

2009-05-12T13:35:00.003-04:00

There is still a nerd deep down inside of me if you can't tell from the above analogy. I thought about it as I was writing an email to a dear old friend trying to explain my life right now. And there are all sorts of random things in my life right now, but one of the most random is this realization of who the Lord is making me.

Years ago, I wanted to be nothing more than a full time camp staffer, living in my chacos and shorts. Never really was looking to be anything that made any huge amounts of money. I just wanted to be an active part of supernatural transformation through the Holy Spirit. Camp seemed like the perfect fit and I wasn't really looking to find a different one. The person who I was at camp was comfortable and I wasn't willing to leave that place.

Fast foward to today. I am a legislative assistant for a pretty powerful congressman. I am fairly actively involved in the health care debate that is going on and I no longer cringe at the thought of suits and heels. The Lord has opened doors and directed my path and heart towards health care. I expect to start working on MBA this fall with the expectation of landing somewhere in the hospital administration field.

Throughout my life, I have not defined success as making a lot of money, or holding a lot of power, of being known, etc. I struggle with those from time to time, but nine out of ten times these things are not a driving force for me. In fact, I have often struggled with the thought of having money. I do not long for the American dream - the picket fence, the 2.5 children, etc. I long for adventure, for paths unknown because they have never been traveled.

And it is because of that longing that I find myself here. Congress was never my dream, but the Lord took a hold of my life and began directing it in ways I sometimes still can't comprehend. He has clearly opened the doors and directed my steps to this city. And to a life that I was sure I never wanted, but now love.

There is a quote that I love by David Livingstone. It says: "If you have men who will only come if they know there is a good road, I don't want them. I want men who will come if there is no road at all."

While to many, my road may look like a pretty, smooth, paved road, but I know it's not. It's being cut out of the bushes day by day. Yes, the clothes for the backroad are no longer the chacos and shorts that I hoped they would be, but these clothes and this road are out of my comfort zone and making me rely on the Lord.

Life in the Capital City was unexpected by me. But it has been ordained by the Lord. And He is protecting and shaping this time to bring Him glory. And I find joy in the people that I have had the opportunity to come along side of and know. My heart here is so full because this is the life I prayed for for years. A life beyond any of my dreams. God is good.

Life

2009-05-11T16:07:00.000-04:00

I was raised as a small town girl. I had every aspiration to spend the majority of my life in Richmond, Texas. That is where I wanted to practice veterinary medicine, where I wanted to get married and raise a family. I wanted to never leave for long to familiar faces and places of the place where I spent my entire pre-college life.

I am not sure what caused these longings – if it was a result of timidity and fear that I struggled with throughout my childhood or just simply an inability to dream big. But as the grew to know the Lord in deeper ways, He taught me to dream big and trust that He would do things even bigger than my dreams. He’s come through time and time again in mighty ways.

I’ve been thinking about this because I have been thinking about my 30 before 30, a list that details all the things I would like to do by the time I turn 30. And while I am trying to do most of the things on there, there are plenty of things that are not quantifiable and others that really aren’t attainable for me in the next 3.5 years. But I’ll share this list regardless.

In no particular order:
See the Northern Lights
Work on a political campaign
Spend time on all seven continents
Visit an African village
Lean to sail
Visit Advanced Basecamp at Mt. Everest
Swim the Great Barrier Reef
Ski in New Zealand
Take a NOLS course
Live overseas
Completely fill up my passport
Love deeply
Attend Graduate School
Patagonia
Learn to speak Spanish fluently
Get published
Run a marathon
Teach English in China
Skydive
Convince people of the value of greenspace and conservation
Participate in radical transformation through the Holy Spirit
Photograph all my adventures
Hike the Pacific Crest Trail
Climb Kilimanjaro
Get my WFR
Buy a long distance plane ticket 24 hours or less before leaving
See a Broadway Show, front and center

I know there are only 27 items on the list, but there is room for more as I discover things that I don’t know that I want to do quite yet. And in reality I have only really accomplished 4 of the items (marathon, skydive, campaign, African village).

Anyway, rather than being disheartened by the things that I have not done and the short time I have before my self-imposed deadline, I’ve been thinking about all the other things I have done.

I’ve been to the top of the Capitol Dome. Been mere feet away from a baby humpback whale and his mama in the wild. Followed Tiger Woods around a golf course at The Players Championship Tour. I’ve bowled in the White House. Jumped off rocks into the narrow waters in the Texas Hill County. Counted the stars until I couldn’t stay awake any longer. Visited the Oval Office. Held newborn babies. Drank champagne at midnight New Year’s Eve. Said goodbye. Said hello. Moved to a place where I knew no one. Have people wanting my business cards. I loved a family so much that I still cry over their move. Traveled to Africa by myself. Watched my sister get married. Had friends have babies. Pursued new challenges and opportunities. Heard the British Prime Minister address a Joint Session of Congress. Attended an inaugural ball. Slept through an inauguration. Gotten drunk. Judged a bike race. Trained for a triathlon. Rejoiced with friends at weddings. Watched fireworks over the Washington Monument. Paddled through the Potomac. Met men and women from around the world. Made up new recipes. Drank wine while chatting around a fire. Had a live band at my birthday. Danced at a club until 3 in the morning. Road trips. Secrets. Deaths. Surprises.

I know there are many, many other things that I have done in my life. But none compare to knowing the Lord more deeply and holding loosely to my dreams. While my dreams and hopes make me a lot of who I am, I know that ultimately I am grounded solely in the Lord and that His plans are far greater than anything else. I will not trade what is good in my mind for what is best in His mind. I have this longing to come to the end of my life and express that while I certainly got to live many of my dreams, I got to live a life far beyond my expectations – a life filled with love and hope and joy.

a love

2009-05-05T08:58:00.003-04:00

There are few things I love more than good friends around a dining room table. Seriously. Nothing is quite like laughter and stories and sharing over good food and drinks. It is safe place for my soul.

Last night, several of my oldest friends in DC were gathered around my table. Amanda and Matt, Sarah and Danny, Evan, Daniel and Lindsey were at my table last night. And as we talked and laughed and remembered all sorts of pieces of life from the last 3 years I rejoiced! I rejoiced that these men and women are my friends, that we can be authentic and vulnerable with one another, that we can share life together. I often think I forget the value of sharing life. Oh it is so good.

It was fun too, to see the married couples. With the exception of Matt and Amanda, I knew Sarah/Danny and Sarah/Evan before they became couples. And to see them now married is wonderful. I must admit that I want my husband to be friends with these guys. If he can't sit at this table with these dear friends, then it's not gonna work.

Anyway. It is now the time to start working on this rainy morning...bleh.

opportunities

2009-04-30T11:24:00.002-04:00

I don't often realize the rarity of the opportunities I have because of my job. And I am going to preface this post with the this - I am well aware of the fact that the work I am doing for the most part is not eternal. These laws, the politics, even the building and artwork that is all a part of my daily life is not eternal. The people that I interact with everyday, however, are very much eternal. And the way I live my life has very real, very eternal consequences.

This week alone, I've sat in on two meetings that have just reminded me what I get to take part in. On Monday, I got a little suprised that Obama's chief of healthcare reform was headed to the office that afternoon for a chat. I was kind of ticked not to have known that because if I had known, I would have worn a suit instead of one of my professional, but a lot more casual than my suit, outfits. Oh well. The point was sitting in that meeting...with people who actually get to make decisions on the future of what our healthcare system was amazing. And beyond that, to realize that I am a part of that. Not that it is a huge part of that, but it is a part. And that is responsibilty. To whom much is given much is required - and while I do not know what the future holds, I know this: I was placed here strategically. It wasn't an accident. It was not simply the whims of fellow staffers to leave the office that allowed me to move up. It was the very purposeful hand of the Lord who has brought me to this exact place during this exact moment in history.

The other meeting I sat in on was a meeting of some Members to talk about opposition of a bill and how they would oppose it. And that was just fun to be in the room to see how they are planning on defeating real world stuff. I don't know. Maybe Capitol Hill has gotten to me. I love being a part of it all. And there is so much to learn and so much to really know. There is always more. It's awesome.

In all of this, the very real possibility of starting graduate school is heating up. I'm ready for some additional challenges and movement toward the next step - although in all likelihood I will not be leaving the hill for another three to four years. I never thought I would be one of those staffers that works on Hill for at least six years, but that is a very real possibility for me.

I'm excited about the future, but I ask for prayer. The program I want to get into, I am not qualified. It is the Business of Medicine at Johns Hopkins. I would get MBA with the specific purspose of using in the health care field. I am hoping/thinking of hospiatal administration for the future. But this program is very selective, primarily for medical professionals. But it is INCREDIBLY affordable, part time (only meets on Thursdays nights) and I would be done in four years.

There is another program, just my plain MBA without any specialties also offered at Johns Hopkins, part time where I would finish in 3 years and could maybe tack on a certificate in just a short time with that. We'll see. But things are moving. And I'm just praying that the Lord will direct my steps. I'm not positive of what they are, but I'm hopeful and will just have to wait and see.

The Shadows

2009-04-27T09:14:00.002-04:00

A shadow is defined as an area where direct light from a light source cannot reach due to obstruction by an object.

C.S. Lewis writes in many of his books, most notably The Great Divorce, referring to this world as the shadowlands. And I really identify with that statement throughout my life, but especially now.

The bright and only light source of this world is obstructed right now and I live in the shadows. But there are moments, when the obstructions of this world shift and I see, if only for a moment, what’s to come. None of the moments are quite the same. Yet they all have similar pieces and themese and landscapes that represent the uniqueness of who I am and are only known and fully understood by the God who made me.

Right now, I struggle with holding onto these glimpses. I want to clasp my hands tightly around them and hold them until I can be home. Yet this continues to prove detrimental. Because these glimpses are just that – a glimpse. In spite of their very realness they are still only a tiny piece of what is to come.

As Lewis says in the Weight of Glory, “These things – the beauty, the memory of our own past – are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”

These struggles pertain to the heart. I know the Lord has wired me specifically. He made me in such a way that I respond to this but don’t to that. And to be frank, there is a guy in my life who my heart responds to in so many ways. However, I know at the very core that he is just a shadow of the real deal. But I have been tricking myself for the past several months, and I am thankful that the Lord has revealed this sin in my life. But now comes the hurt of the very real consequences of sin.

God is at work. This has been a much harder year. I’ve entered the valley after spending quite a long time on the mountain top. And the joy in this is that the valleys aren’t quite as low as they used to be, but the mountain gets taller every time. And the valley is where I grow.

This year is about waiting and trusting. I trust that the Lord will give me the strength to walk through all of this. And I trust that He is in it and it is for His good purposes that He is revealing and removing these things in my life. I know that this is refinement so that I can be a better vessel for the Lord’s purposes. And in regards to my heart – I just have to wait. Wait for the Lord. I question the timing, but trust the Timer.

So for now, I wait in the shadows and long for the light – because after all one day the Light will break through. And the world as we are supposed to know it will shine through! Alleluia!