freedom

It was for FREEDOM that Christ set us free. Galatians 5:1

I'm not feeling all that free these days.

It might be the stress of life. I'm almost eight months in to my new job (where did time go?), and am learning a lot about management. I don't dislike it, but I am certainly not comfortable in the role. It's hard. And it doesn't help that we are in the thick of things on Capitol Hill. This debt ceiling stuff in nuts. I understand to a certain extent what this could mean for the United States, but the truth of it is, no one really knows. The guys at Treasury don't know; the Fed doesn't know, the President, Senators and Congressman definitely don't know. Sure we all have a lot of different doomsday scenarios, but the fact of the matter, as my doctor turned boss has said is this is not life or death. But, it is making me work crazy hours, and weekends and am under pressure most of the day, so that doesn't help the state that I am. Yet, I am thankful I have a job that more than pays the bills. And not just that I love it. Not just because it is the job that God placed me in, but because I feel genuinely challenged and stretched, I get to participate in substantive discussions, I'm getting to travel around the world. It's awesome.

I'm been living in my house for two months now. I've owned it for four months. Still working on a few projects, but thanks to a dear friend's brother, that should be taken care of soon. And then I can at least pause from the big projects for awhile and focus on paying off what I have spent and some other fun things like recovering pieces and curtains and pillows. I love this home and I am so thankful for it, for the girls that live here with me, for my neighbors. God is good.

But yet when my roommate reminded me that I am set free, it really sunk deep. I have not forgiven someone who hurt me as deep as anyone ever has. I wouldn't change the events; I'd change some of my actions in a related but different situation. And fact of the matter is I want an apology. I don't feel freedom in this whatsoever. I cringe when we are on invites together. Hold my breath until I know that I am free and clear. I HATE that this is my reaction. And what angers me even more is I thought I was free from it. So I don't know if because of stress, this vulnerable place has come back up or if there is some genuine need for a conversation that I really don't want to have and I know that this person doesn't want to have either.

Oh Lord, for your freedom. However it has to happen. Lead on. I'll follow. Reluctantly, but I will follow.