Jumble

Today would have been my grandparents' 53rd wedding anniversary. That just amazes me. And their love for one another was so evident. My grandfather, who was not one for tons of emotion, would regularly tear up when talking about my grandmother and about how much he loved her. God is good.

I love having people in my home. The only reason I can really think of to make lots of money in this life is so I can feed people for free. To have people over to dinner and sit around a dining room table and break bread together. I want to live life with people sharing joys and heartaches and minister to them at the table...feeding their bodies and their souls by just being authentic and opening my life to them too.

Thanksgiving was a great time. We had people over for our traditional potluck. Lindsey and I dressed as Native Americans. And I just enjoyed being with people. And then Thursday getting to prepare food, and share was just good. Plus seeing the Aggies put up a hell of a fight was nice too.

I'm excited it's December. Many of my favorite things are in this month...Advent, my birthday, Christmas. And I don't know. I am feeling hope again. And not just feeling it. I have it.

This month is also filled with good people. Getting to see Ellen, and the Bookers, going to Texas. But even just the people that are here in DC and a part of my life. I love seeing them and celebrating this season of anticipation and expectation with them. I love life with them.

And with the end of this month, marks another year spent in this city. A city I was never supposed to stay in, was never supposed to be home. But it is home. It has been as close to my eternal home as I can ever get. I've caught little glimpses here of heaven. My heart has been refreshed time and time again by my community. We are a body. We share our joys and sorrows.

Who could have ever thought that four years would go by so quickly? I can't imagine four years anywhere else. And I looking forward to however many more years there are in this place.

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I am really excited about the season of Advent. It is far and away my favorite season of the year. Something about the anticipation, preparation and expectation of the return of our Savior. And something about hearing and resting in The Story - the redemption and the fact that He knew how He would save us long before He did.

I'm experiencing redemption in my own life. It's been a long time coming. But the months of October and November have really been phenomenal. Painful. Yet full of Jesus. I can't contain this desire to worship Him. To lay before the throne and sing with all of heaven "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty." I can't help myself. I'm so thankful for His presence - that He is filling me.

I am in awe of His work right now too. His answers to prayers with what I need and not with what I think I want. The new women in my life - oh I am so thankful that the Lord makes space in my heart for new friends. And that I can adjust to long distance relationships with old ones. That life is changing. And that I am changing. That little by painful little bit, He is changing me. Refining me. Helping me to rely on Him. To stand on the rock. To pant and hunger and want Him.

Waiting and trusting. I didn't want either of those things to be the lessons that I learned this year. Yet, the thing about waiting and trusting is the expectation that there is something worth waiting and trusting for. I've forgotten that for so long. Jesus is worth waiting for. He is worth trusting in. Not only for His good gifts. And not even first for His good gifts. For Him.

Prayer Answered by Crosses

I wish I was an artist because then I would meditate on the above phrase and just paint. I think there would be a lot of red, but I think a gold and silver too. It is actually the title to a hymn that John Newton wrote that I have referenced on my blog before. And I have never found that phrase to be more true than this year.

I finished a journal this year. It has 3 years worth of life in it. All exclusively DC, which is fun. But as I finished I kind of went back and read and reflected on life these past couple of years, focusing on this year. And I see that the Lord chose to answer my prayer to know Him more, to rely on Him more, to trust Him more. It was just through crosses. I've had to die to myself, time and time again this year on this journey to be restored.

And there is really no more to say than that one phrase. I think it sums it all up. Prayer answered by crosses. I couldn't ask for more.

But

I feel like I am living in the 'but' right now. I realize that that sounds so wrong, but hear me out. I've living the but of Psalm 30:5b: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."

While my weeping is not literally done by any means, I've reached the bottom (I hope). I'm at my wits end, I have nothing, totally nothing. But...I'm facing many of the places in my heart that I have run from for so long and those are not easy places to face, and even harder places to surrender, confess, and move on toward redemption with.

I can see the weeping and the sorrow of the past ten months - I won't diminish them, but I won't give them more power in my life than they deserve. God is bigger than every trial and tribulation. And now is a period of growing as a result of all of them. With the Lord's help, I will grow and learn from this storm.

I don't yet feel the joy of the morning, but I can see it. It will arrive. Morning comes eventually and with it, joy. And I'll be able to look at this year with thankfulness, with the knowledge of the other side, with a deeper understanding of the love of God because His love is the only way I am making my way through all of this.

The but isn't my favorite place to be, but it is better than the weeping. And it represents progress and hope.

I will not weep forever.

The night ends!

The sun shines!

Jesus saves!

And joy comes in the morning.

Amen.

ughhh

I hate waiting. And trusting. Seriously. I feel like back in December/January that the Lord gave me a word for this year: that this year was about waiting and trusting the Him. Not exactly my favorite theme for my life for any amount of time.

But through situation after situation this year, that really has been the theme. Try as I might, I cannot find other words to describe these times. And I know that waiting is a good thing, and I know that trusting Him is even better, but damn if it isn't hard.

I find myself in this state of flux, which for me has led to lots of emotions, and questions, and scripture and yelling at the Lord for answers to my "Why???" Only to hear as Job did: "Where were you when..."

This morning in my time with the Lord I read this prayer: O Father of all mercy, into Your hands I abandon myself. Do with me whatever You will. I ask no more than this. O my God, I trust in You.

Oh how I want these words to be more than words. I want to know Him in the depths of all who I am. Lord help. Help!

Looking Back

I've been studying 1 John with my mentor this last few weeks, so I've gone back and listened to sermons from my sophomore year of college when Grace was studying 1 John. Listening to those sermons, reading my notes, reading my journal from that year, takes me back.

That year was a year of instrumental, huge change in my life. A lot of that had to do with the radical experience I had with the Holy Spirit that summer, and then Dwight's teaching on 1 John that year was so appropriate, the new friendships with other serious believers. And quite honestly, my heart was ripe for growth.

I am in a similar place now...so much has gone on and my heart is ripe for change and for healing. I've got to trust that the Lord will not lead me into the Valley of Shadows without a plan to lead me out. He is also with me and will fight with me and for me.

I know one thing, looking back on this time in my life. I will be able to say with confidence that the Lord is good and that He cared for me and molded me more into His daughter.

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We're not exactly doubing that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
C.S. Lewis

I don't know that there is really much more to say than that. I was looking through old emails last week, and one that I got from a friend right after the marathon said that she thought that 2009 was my year. I think, well I know, that I thought that this year as well. And not that it is not, it just looks WAY different than I ever imagined.

John Newton wrote this hymn:

I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.

It was He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.

Yes, more with His own hand,
He seemed,Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low."

Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."

"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."

And man, do I think it fits what this year has been. I want to know him more, I want to look more and more like Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to be the woman that He has called me to be and walk in His path for His glory.

This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. And facing myself...facing these deep places in my heart, that I have hidden from myself and the world is not going to be pretty...or easy.

I can question all I want, but the Lord does not promise me answers to "Why?" He promises me Himself. And even as I walk this road, I cannot make Him love me more. Becoming "better" does not create more love. Maybe I will receive it better, but there will not be more of it. And I cannot make myself better. The Lord has to heal me. I know He wants to. I don't think all these things would be happening right now if He was not trying to get my attention - to start me down this path.

Oh Lord. Let me depend on you. Even though that is really, really hard.