I wish I was an artist because then I would meditate on the above phrase and just paint. I think there would be a lot of red, but I think a gold and silver too. It is actually the title to a hymn that John Newton wrote that I have referenced on my blog before. And I have never found that phrase to be more true than this year.
I finished a journal this year. It has 3 years worth of life in it. All exclusively DC, which is fun. But as I finished I kind of went back and read and reflected on life these past couple of years, focusing on this year. And I see that the Lord chose to answer my prayer to know Him more, to rely on Him more, to trust Him more. It was just through crosses. I've had to die to myself, time and time again this year on this journey to be restored.
And there is really no more to say than that one phrase. I think it sums it all up. Prayer answered by crosses. I couldn't ask for more.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
But
I feel like I am living in the 'but' right now. I realize that that sounds so wrong, but hear me out. I've living the but of Psalm 30:5b: "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
While my weeping is not literally done by any means, I've reached the bottom (I hope). I'm at my wits end, I have nothing, totally nothing. But...I'm facing many of the places in my heart that I have run from for so long and those are not easy places to face, and even harder places to surrender, confess, and move on toward redemption with.
I can see the weeping and the sorrow of the past ten months - I won't diminish them, but I won't give them more power in my life than they deserve. God is bigger than every trial and tribulation. And now is a period of growing as a result of all of them. With the Lord's help, I will grow and learn from this storm.
I don't yet feel the joy of the morning, but I can see it. It will arrive. Morning comes eventually and with it, joy. And I'll be able to look at this year with thankfulness, with the knowledge of the other side, with a deeper understanding of the love of God because His love is the only way I am making my way through all of this.
The but isn't my favorite place to be, but it is better than the weeping. And it represents progress and hope.
I will not weep forever.
The night ends!
The sun shines!
Jesus saves!
And joy comes in the morning.
Amen.
While my weeping is not literally done by any means, I've reached the bottom (I hope). I'm at my wits end, I have nothing, totally nothing. But...I'm facing many of the places in my heart that I have run from for so long and those are not easy places to face, and even harder places to surrender, confess, and move on toward redemption with.
I can see the weeping and the sorrow of the past ten months - I won't diminish them, but I won't give them more power in my life than they deserve. God is bigger than every trial and tribulation. And now is a period of growing as a result of all of them. With the Lord's help, I will grow and learn from this storm.
I don't yet feel the joy of the morning, but I can see it. It will arrive. Morning comes eventually and with it, joy. And I'll be able to look at this year with thankfulness, with the knowledge of the other side, with a deeper understanding of the love of God because His love is the only way I am making my way through all of this.
The but isn't my favorite place to be, but it is better than the weeping. And it represents progress and hope.
I will not weep forever.
The night ends!
The sun shines!
Jesus saves!
And joy comes in the morning.
Amen.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
ughhh
I hate waiting. And trusting. Seriously. I feel like back in December/January that the Lord gave me a word for this year: that this year was about waiting and trusting the Him. Not exactly my favorite theme for my life for any amount of time.
But through situation after situation this year, that really has been the theme. Try as I might, I cannot find other words to describe these times. And I know that waiting is a good thing, and I know that trusting Him is even better, but damn if it isn't hard.
I find myself in this state of flux, which for me has led to lots of emotions, and questions, and scripture and yelling at the Lord for answers to my "Why???" Only to hear as Job did: "Where were you when..."
This morning in my time with the Lord I read this prayer: O Father of all mercy, into Your hands I abandon myself. Do with me whatever You will. I ask no more than this. O my God, I trust in You.
Oh how I want these words to be more than words. I want to know Him in the depths of all who I am. Lord help. Help!
But through situation after situation this year, that really has been the theme. Try as I might, I cannot find other words to describe these times. And I know that waiting is a good thing, and I know that trusting Him is even better, but damn if it isn't hard.
I find myself in this state of flux, which for me has led to lots of emotions, and questions, and scripture and yelling at the Lord for answers to my "Why???" Only to hear as Job did: "Where were you when..."
This morning in my time with the Lord I read this prayer: O Father of all mercy, into Your hands I abandon myself. Do with me whatever You will. I ask no more than this. O my God, I trust in You.
Oh how I want these words to be more than words. I want to know Him in the depths of all who I am. Lord help. Help!
Monday, October 5, 2009
Looking Back
I've been studying 1 John with my mentor this last few weeks, so I've gone back and listened to sermons from my sophomore year of college when Grace was studying 1 John. Listening to those sermons, reading my notes, reading my journal from that year, takes me back.
That year was a year of instrumental, huge change in my life. A lot of that had to do with the radical experience I had with the Holy Spirit that summer, and then Dwight's teaching on 1 John that year was so appropriate, the new friendships with other serious believers. And quite honestly, my heart was ripe for growth.
I am in a similar place now...so much has gone on and my heart is ripe for change and for healing. I've got to trust that the Lord will not lead me into the Valley of Shadows without a plan to lead me out. He is also with me and will fight with me and for me.
I know one thing, looking back on this time in my life. I will be able to say with confidence that the Lord is good and that He cared for me and molded me more into His daughter.
That year was a year of instrumental, huge change in my life. A lot of that had to do with the radical experience I had with the Holy Spirit that summer, and then Dwight's teaching on 1 John that year was so appropriate, the new friendships with other serious believers. And quite honestly, my heart was ripe for growth.
I am in a similar place now...so much has gone on and my heart is ripe for change and for healing. I've got to trust that the Lord will not lead me into the Valley of Shadows without a plan to lead me out. He is also with me and will fight with me and for me.
I know one thing, looking back on this time in my life. I will be able to say with confidence that the Lord is good and that He cared for me and molded me more into His daughter.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Untitled
We're not exactly doubing that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.
C.S. Lewis
I don't know that there is really much more to say than that. I was looking through old emails last week, and one that I got from a friend right after the marathon said that she thought that 2009 was my year. I think, well I know, that I thought that this year as well. And not that it is not, it just looks WAY different than I ever imagined.
John Newton wrote this hymn:
I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.
It was He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.
I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.
Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.
Yes, more with His own hand,
He seemed,Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low."
Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."
"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."
And man, do I think it fits what this year has been. I want to know him more, I want to look more and more like Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to be the woman that He has called me to be and walk in His path for His glory.
This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. And facing myself...facing these deep places in my heart, that I have hidden from myself and the world is not going to be pretty...or easy.
I can question all I want, but the Lord does not promise me answers to "Why?" He promises me Himself. And even as I walk this road, I cannot make Him love me more. Becoming "better" does not create more love. Maybe I will receive it better, but there will not be more of it. And I cannot make myself better. The Lord has to heal me. I know He wants to. I don't think all these things would be happening right now if He was not trying to get my attention - to start me down this path.
Oh Lord. Let me depend on you. Even though that is really, really hard.
C.S. Lewis
I don't know that there is really much more to say than that. I was looking through old emails last week, and one that I got from a friend right after the marathon said that she thought that 2009 was my year. I think, well I know, that I thought that this year as well. And not that it is not, it just looks WAY different than I ever imagined.
John Newton wrote this hymn:
I asked the Lord that I might grow,
In faith and love and every grace,
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek more earnestly His face.
It was He who taught me thus to pray,
And He I trust has answered prayer.
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.
I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He'd answer my request.
And by His love's constraining power,
Subdue my sins and give me rest.
Instead of this, He made me feel,
The hidden evils of my heart.
And let the angry powers of hell,
Assault my soul in every part.
Yes, more with His own hand,
He seemed,Intent to aggravate my woe.
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low."
Lord, why is this?" I trembling cried.
Will You pursue Your worm to death?"
"This is the way" the Lord replied,
"I answer prayer for grace and strength."
"These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set you free;
And break your schemes of earthly joy,
That you may find thy all in Me."
And man, do I think it fits what this year has been. I want to know him more, I want to look more and more like Him. I want to be more like Him. I want to be the woman that He has called me to be and walk in His path for His glory.
This has been one of the most difficult years of my life. And facing myself...facing these deep places in my heart, that I have hidden from myself and the world is not going to be pretty...or easy.
I can question all I want, but the Lord does not promise me answers to "Why?" He promises me Himself. And even as I walk this road, I cannot make Him love me more. Becoming "better" does not create more love. Maybe I will receive it better, but there will not be more of it. And I cannot make myself better. The Lord has to heal me. I know He wants to. I don't think all these things would be happening right now if He was not trying to get my attention - to start me down this path.
Oh Lord. Let me depend on you. Even though that is really, really hard.
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Wild Dance
I couldn't sleep last night. Every couple of hours, I would wake up and then lie awake for a little while. I thought about a myraid of things - prayer, how sore I was, how much I loved my friends, work, future, everything that I needed to do this week. Finally at a little after six, I gave up and pulled out my Bible. I then fell asleep for an hour and woke up to my iPod playing a Waterdeep song that I love.
The refrain goes:
I will not forget You are my God, my King
And with a thankful heart I bring my offering
And my sacrifice is not what You can give
But what I alone can give to you
A grateful heart I give,
A thankful prayer I pray,
A wild dance I dance before you.
A loud song I sing,
A huge bell I ring,
A life of praise I live before You.
And I thought long and hard about a wild dance before the Lord. Just the sheer joy of being completely uninhibited and completely abandoned to all my Lord. Of just praising Him with all of my mind, all of my body, all of my soul, all of my strength, all of me. And the beauty of those moments of complete, sweet, surrender is life as it is was meant to be.
And the more I thought about it, I realized two things.
The first: I think the reason I like racing so much is much like Eric Little (man who's story is the movie Chariots of Fire), I feel God's pleasure when I do. I'm not fast by any means, but I truly feel as if this is what I was created to do. Running, swimming, biking, is in and of itself, praise to my Savior for creating me, for making my body able to move and do these things. And it is an act of worship.
Second: I realized in this year, I have forgotten to praise God. I think I thought for some stupid reason that I had nothing to praise him for. That he was taking things from me and therefore deserved not to be praised. But that is an absolute lie. God always deserves to be praised. And my life is to be a constant outpouring of that praise.
Even in the maybe five hours since this thought, it has been a powerful thought to praise him. It is the only thing that I have to give him is my praise. And it gives me so much joy, that reckless abandonment to chase my God and King for all that He is.
The refrain goes:
I will not forget You are my God, my King
And with a thankful heart I bring my offering
And my sacrifice is not what You can give
But what I alone can give to you
A grateful heart I give,
A thankful prayer I pray,
A wild dance I dance before you.
A loud song I sing,
A huge bell I ring,
A life of praise I live before You.
And I thought long and hard about a wild dance before the Lord. Just the sheer joy of being completely uninhibited and completely abandoned to all my Lord. Of just praising Him with all of my mind, all of my body, all of my soul, all of my strength, all of me. And the beauty of those moments of complete, sweet, surrender is life as it is was meant to be.
And the more I thought about it, I realized two things.
The first: I think the reason I like racing so much is much like Eric Little (man who's story is the movie Chariots of Fire), I feel God's pleasure when I do. I'm not fast by any means, but I truly feel as if this is what I was created to do. Running, swimming, biking, is in and of itself, praise to my Savior for creating me, for making my body able to move and do these things. And it is an act of worship.
Second: I realized in this year, I have forgotten to praise God. I think I thought for some stupid reason that I had nothing to praise him for. That he was taking things from me and therefore deserved not to be praised. But that is an absolute lie. God always deserves to be praised. And my life is to be a constant outpouring of that praise.
Even in the maybe five hours since this thought, it has been a powerful thought to praise him. It is the only thing that I have to give him is my praise. And it gives me so much joy, that reckless abandonment to chase my God and King for all that He is.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Lots of Thoughts
I have probably ten different thoughts in my head right now. Here we go:
1. I hate goodbyes. They stink. I said goodbye to two more friends this week. And there are neat new people. But starting over is hard. New friends are just that new. And too many changes all at once. Granted they are nothing like my dear friend Caley is going through, but my heart is heavy as I process a bunch of things.
2. I love the Eastern Shore. I love driving down it. Especially with just mellow music. Provides time to think. I never thought Maryland would have cornfields. But it does and it is therapuetic to my soul. Something about life in a small town or on the road just speaks about peace and allows my thoughts to just go here and there. And I need that sort of space to think.
3. I like space. I am having a hard time with that right now. New roommates are good. But they are new. And I have to figure out how to share space with them. And it is hard. Especially when I am in need of space to think and process about other things that are on my heart.
4. I want to be married. And I think that that is my calling. But why do I have to wait? I mean, I know God is walking both me and my husband through who knows what so that when we do meet (finally!) our lives will complement and encourage one another that we might honor the Lord better. But I'm tired of waiting and feeling like I am left behind as all my other friends get married. But at the same time I long for marraige. I am so happy single right now. The time and space I have had to do all sorts of things has been so good. So right. But I want to meet someone.
5. The leper says to Jesus, "Lord if you are willing you can heal me." Can I say that to Jesus? Can I say, " Lord, if you are willing you will heal me from my messed up views of myself, of family, of relationships, of sin, of selfishness." The thing is, if I ask that I have to have faith that he is willing and will heal me. And I don't know if I have that. I know that he is supposed to complete the good work He began in me, but I am having a hard time with that right now.
6. Jacob wrestled the angels. I'm to worn out to even fight. Lord, I need you to revive me.
7. I am having a hard time reconciling how to love those more unfortunate than I am. I pray for them and my heart breaks for them, but I don't know how to love them.
8. This question of how to love those unfortunate than me stems from this question I run into at work all the time. How do I show my appreciation for those that do thankless job in the Capitol - our custodial staff, the carpenters, etc.? Because I am so thankful for them. And I smile and say hello and say thank you, but that seems so inadequate.
9. This world is not enough. Oh how I feel this ache that this world is not enough. That I am an alien, stranger in this world. And that it will never be right. It will never be the way it was meant to be this side of heaven. And how can I express that? How can I help people to see that this world is not fulfilling our deepest needs.
10. Healthcare. I just think about this a lot in general. There has got to be a way that is not HR 3200. And there should be an opportunity for us to come up with something better. Because there is a better way.
And I actually have more thoughts, but we are going to leave it at that for now.
1. I hate goodbyes. They stink. I said goodbye to two more friends this week. And there are neat new people. But starting over is hard. New friends are just that new. And too many changes all at once. Granted they are nothing like my dear friend Caley is going through, but my heart is heavy as I process a bunch of things.
2. I love the Eastern Shore. I love driving down it. Especially with just mellow music. Provides time to think. I never thought Maryland would have cornfields. But it does and it is therapuetic to my soul. Something about life in a small town or on the road just speaks about peace and allows my thoughts to just go here and there. And I need that sort of space to think.
3. I like space. I am having a hard time with that right now. New roommates are good. But they are new. And I have to figure out how to share space with them. And it is hard. Especially when I am in need of space to think and process about other things that are on my heart.
4. I want to be married. And I think that that is my calling. But why do I have to wait? I mean, I know God is walking both me and my husband through who knows what so that when we do meet (finally!) our lives will complement and encourage one another that we might honor the Lord better. But I'm tired of waiting and feeling like I am left behind as all my other friends get married. But at the same time I long for marraige. I am so happy single right now. The time and space I have had to do all sorts of things has been so good. So right. But I want to meet someone.
5. The leper says to Jesus, "Lord if you are willing you can heal me." Can I say that to Jesus? Can I say, " Lord, if you are willing you will heal me from my messed up views of myself, of family, of relationships, of sin, of selfishness." The thing is, if I ask that I have to have faith that he is willing and will heal me. And I don't know if I have that. I know that he is supposed to complete the good work He began in me, but I am having a hard time with that right now.
6. Jacob wrestled the angels. I'm to worn out to even fight. Lord, I need you to revive me.
7. I am having a hard time reconciling how to love those more unfortunate than I am. I pray for them and my heart breaks for them, but I don't know how to love them.
8. This question of how to love those unfortunate than me stems from this question I run into at work all the time. How do I show my appreciation for those that do thankless job in the Capitol - our custodial staff, the carpenters, etc.? Because I am so thankful for them. And I smile and say hello and say thank you, but that seems so inadequate.
9. This world is not enough. Oh how I feel this ache that this world is not enough. That I am an alien, stranger in this world. And that it will never be right. It will never be the way it was meant to be this side of heaven. And how can I express that? How can I help people to see that this world is not fulfilling our deepest needs.
10. Healthcare. I just think about this a lot in general. There has got to be a way that is not HR 3200. And there should be an opportunity for us to come up with something better. Because there is a better way.
And I actually have more thoughts, but we are going to leave it at that for now.
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